


The Locked Door or An Unconventional Love Story Across Timelines

by mrsalenko



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-14 19:59:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/840793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsalenko/pseuds/mrsalenko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Shepard and Kaidan had to deal with the consequences of the discovery of their relationship?</p>
<p>Shepard and Kaidan are having an affair in the months after the battle of the Citadel, an illegal one at that. They don't care about what they're doing, too wrapped up in them.</p>
<p>Something has to give. In another life it was a Collector ship. In this life, they never expected it to be this. It all ends not in the sinking of a ship, but in a door left unlocked and a Navigator named Charles Pressly.</p>
<p>The ones that were supposed to die, live, and the ones who were meant to live, die. Shepard and Kaidan have to come to terms with what that means for themselves and their relationship.</p>
<p>Shepard drifts in and out of his life like a ghost and two years of missing time is filled.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [worstcommander](https://archiveofourown.org/users/worstcommander/gifts).



> Fraternization is "turning people into brothers"—conducting social relations with people who are actually unrelated and/or of a different class (especially those with whom one works) as though they were siblings, family members, personal friends or lovers.
> 
> Warnings for lots of explicit sexual content and themes of grieving, depression and PTSD. Non-canonical character death.

"Shepard…" he groans. "Please. Oh god."

Her tongue licks a path up his shaft, her warm, small hands cupping his balls and massaging just the way he likes it. His whole abdomen contracts as he gropes the slick shower wall, his knees weak and shaky.

"Oh fuck, Shep. You're gonna to kill me."

There's more than heat in his voice, there's longing, the most painful desperation, everything and nothing left unsaid.

The steamy locker room thrums with sex and power. It smells like them. She'd gotten creative earlier and made her biotics pick up droplets of water to hang in the air, a slowly rotating sphere of her perfection; a dome of heat, pleasure and the forbidden. The heated droplets brush against their skin as they kiss and press their feverish bodies together, a refuge after a long day on duty.

Together, they'd washed away the grime and sweat and then Shepard had knelt before him, her mouth warm and welcoming.

The middle of the night cycle is the only time they can steal.

Kaidan can't look away from her. How perfect her round face is to him, her fox grin and all her charms.

"There are not many men I would kneel for. But you, you, Kaidan Alenko, I would make an exception for."

She laughs, the sound muffled by the shower spray and blinks up at him, water droplets in her eyelashes, prettier than the stars hung in the inky void.

"You're so easy, Kaidan," she murmurs, a wicked smirk of her face and taking him in her mouth again, caressing the silky head with her tongue. "Say you're mine."

She runs her hands through the dark hair above his jutting arousal and over his hard stomach, taking pleasure in the muscles under her hand, driving him crazy with her touch and suction around his cock.

"Oh god, I'm yours. I- fuck!"

He would say anything for her; do anything, if she would just keep bobbing her head like that.

He cards his hand through her wet hair, moving it off the side of her face and watching himself disappear into her mouth again and again. He's had his fair share of sex in his time, those days as a lost young man after Brain Camp taught him a lot about his body and how to please a woman.

He's slept with an asari, slept with women older and younger and ones far more skilled in the art of making love than Shepard.

But somehow… she's the hottest thing he's ever had, her wet and sloppy technique, her enthusiasm, the occasional rasp of teeth that has him hissing and pulling her head back.

She's perfect how she is.

And somehow now, merely being in her mouth isn't enough. He wants to be deep inside her, bury himself there, kiss her mouth, her neck, and her breasts. He wants something innate and primal with her, to show her all that she's making him feel inside.

He pulls her to her feet, his cock leaving her mouth with a wet pop.

She has that damnable smirk on her face that says she knows exactly what he's thinking, that he's finally cracked under her ministrations.

"Do you want to fuck me, LT? Is that it?" she teases as he wraps her flush against him, her breasts pressed against his hard chest. She wiggles so they rub against him and sighs with pleasure. His cock is caught between them, aching against her stomach. She strains against him, a delicious friction, but not the one he wants.

"I want to fuck you," he murmurs, kissing her mouth, parting her lips and thrusting his tongue inside. She wraps her arms around his shoulders for balance as his height makes it difficult for her, standing on her tip toes. He would never admit it to her, but their height difference sets something in his chest racing, something base, something that screams at him to protect her. He has to shove it aside most days, but here, in moments like this, he lets it run wild, lets him trace his hands down her back, stroking the soft skin in a promise to never let anyone hurt her again.

He grabs her hips, feeling their generous flare and moves down to her ass to cup the rounded, firm globes. It's perfect, his favorite ass in the galaxy, the one he spent many hours watching sway in skintight armor jumpsuits.

Thank god for Adept wear, his libido had fervently thanked the Alliance outfitters on long missions out on desolate planets with no distraction.

His hands move further down, past her ass and into that sweet valley between her thighs. Her whole body shivers as his fingers lightly trace her folds.

"Kaidan," she breathes, peppering his jaw in messy kisses. He steals her breath with a kiss, running his fingers up her slit, collecting moisture with the tip of his finger and raising it to his lips. She groans. "Oh you fucking _bastard_ , do you ever stop teasing me?"

She parts her legs, allowing him access and at the same time rubbing her belly against his cock. In a taunt or an encouragement, he can't tell.

He takes the initiative to reverse their positions so she is the one pressed against the wall and allow himself full access to her clit with his aching fingers.

She quivers as he flicks the hooded nub. "Oh my god, please, please. Don't fuck around."

"I won't."

His thumb is on her clit and he uses his index finger to probe her entrance, teasing at first and then fully entering her. She gasps and he covers it with his mouth, wary and paranoid if she makes too much sound.

Shepard's not a screamer, he knows that much. She's shy when it comes to sex sometimes.

But still… the locker room isn't completely sound-proofed, and although everyone but Pressly and the night crew should be sleeping… they can't be too careful.

She starts to buck against his hand, straining her hips against him, begging for further penetration that his finger alone can't give her. She breaks his kiss to pant, her whole face strained and pained.

"Yes," she whispers in one long breath. "Yes, yes, oh fuck me."

"You want me, huh?" He pumps harder and she clutches his arm, almost trying to stop and encourage him both. "Like this? Just say it and I'm yours. You know that. I'm yours."

"Please, Kaidan. Please."

"Say it."

"I need you, please, inside me. I-I can't anymore-"

He withdraws his hand and she almost collapses but for how he cradles her with his body, pressing her back against the wall, grabbing those full hips and lifting.

She sighs and wraps her arms around him, finally getting what she wants, her thighs falling to either side of his hips and holding on.

He grasps his cock and positions himself, just lightly tracing up and down her slit with the swollen head, coating himself in her arousal for more lubricant. Not that he'd need it. She's soaked.

She smiles at him, biting her lip, her normally thin, pale rosebud lips red and swollen with lust and rough kisses.

He kisses her sweetly, a bare touching, a tentative exploration, an unasked question.

"Yes," she breathes, and he pushes home.

Her lips part and her eyes flutter shut.

She's tight. So tight. He's glad that he took the time with her, his fingers loosening her up. Without foreplay it probably would have hurt her. In one long thrust, he sheaths himself to the hilt, his balls slapping against the inside of her thighs.

She whimpers slightly, a tight line at her mouth.

"Hey, hey, relax," he says with concern, smoothing the hair out of her face. "Do you want me to stop?"

He pauses, his iron-clad control holding him there, inside her body as far and as close as he could be.

"No, don't stop. I don't know what's wrong. It'll be fine. Just give me a minute. It just hurts a little."

He frowns. She's not usually…

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she sighs, pulling his mouth to hers to silence him. He lets her kiss him before he breaks from the embrace, his nose nudging hers until she smiles.

Then he traces his nose across her cheek, along the dusky, sun-kissed freckles that pepper the peachy skin like the bruised spots on the softest fruit, kissing them gently. Damaged, but still good. Perfect for him.

"I love you," he whispers to her ear, hearing her breath harsh against the shell of his own ear. "I love you so much it hurts."

"And I love you," she answers, sounding frustrated. "I don't know how to tell you how much."

"You are telling me, right now."

Her face twists with annoyance, her nose wrinkling. "I don't know the pretty words for it."

"You tell me with your body. With your lips. With your eyes."

He begins to thrust gently, slow measured forays, withdrawing until he almost slips out and then pushing back in.

Her hips meet his, rotating softly to feel him move inside her.

"I never get tired of you," she says, closing her eyes, the lines clearing from her face as her breaths pick up. "You feel right."

They kiss as they join, close in every way they can be. He tries to take it slow, to make it last, but her mouth was so very good at bringing him to the edge of reason and her body so very receptive to him, her hand on the back of his neck, driving him onwards. Her heels dig into his ass, urging him deeper and faster and he begins to pump quickly.

Her breasts bounce in front of him, so he takes one erect peak into his mouth and swirls his tongue on her sensitive nub.

She arches her back and clenches around him, a small whimper escaping her lips. "Oh," she utters, a tiny exhale of surprise.

"Does that feel good?" he murmurs to her breast, licking his way across her clavicle, laving the skin there and eventually reaching her other peak.

She doesn't answer, just nods and swallows thickly, her head thrown back against the wall, moving in time with his thrusts. She groans as he flicks his tongue and bites down gently on the hard nub.

She covers her eyes with her hands. "No," she says simply and he knows that it's too sensitive for teeth.

Most days she likes it, but she's different today.

He settles for burying his nose in the side of her neck, licking the salty sweat there and whispering to her as the sounds of their flesh meeting fill the room.

He feels warm, safe, happy, here in her arms. As if nothing could go wrong as long as she's here, as long as she keeps telling him how much she loves him, how it feels right when they are together, that she never felt like this before.

He can feel his release building, the muscles in his belly tight, his thighs straining, not for holding her weight because she's ridiculously light, but for the sheer agony of holding back for her.

She's becoming more incoherent, her hips meet his more frantically, the words under her breath one long continuous chant of his name.

He comes first after one last thrust, spilling hot inside her. His thumb finds her clit again, his hands shaking as waves of pleasure wash through him and she shakes, too, as he helps her orgasm. He can feel it shudder through her, her inner muscles milking him dry.

He thrusts slowly a couple more times, still pulsing and laughs when she kisses a bead of sweat off his nose.

"That was fun," she sighs, face red and with a sated smile.

He opens his mouth to respond when the door bangs open.

Charles Pressly stands there, a towel with ducks on it in his hands, a dumb expression on his face , and a gaping mouth as he takes in Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko with his dick still buried in his commanding officer and humanity's finest, Commander Shepard.

"Pressly…" Shepard whispers. Kaidan lets her feet slip to the fall, withdrawing from her. He grabs a towel as quickly as his shocked limbs will allow and covers her in it, belatedly grabbing one for himself. He glances at her naked form as he hands her the towel and blanches in horror as he notices his release, plain and damning evidence on her thighs. Pressly looks away.

"C-Commander," Pressly stammers. "I think I need to speak to you outside. I'll be in the comm room."

Shepard nods, and he shuts the door.

Kaidan turns to her.

"Don't," she silences whatever is racing through his brain and begging to spill out his mouth. "I need to go fix this. Get dressed. Go to bed. Your own, this time."

She rushes to clothes she had so carefully laid beside his on the bench and roughly pulls on her panties, bra and then BDUs.

He stands still and numb, barely having the presence of mind to shut off the shower. He's cold, flaccid, and so very scared for what this means for her.

She's the superior officer, the burden of guilt falls mostly to her. They can't avoid this. There's no wiggle room. Pressly is a professional. He'll have to report the fraternization to the brass.

"This is over, isn't it?" he finally says as she begins to leave the room.

She pauses. Her shoulders are shaking.

"I think so." Shepard presses her hand to her mouth and he thinks she might be crying. "Jesus."

Kaidan dresses quickly after she leaves, running it over and over in his head. He was sure he'd locked the door. In his urgency he must have forgotten to hit the switch.

He sits heavily on the bench, holding his head in his hands, cursing himself. He just ruined them, all for one small mistake. He'd have to transfer. He'd never work with her again.

His clean shirt and pants are warm, soft, and smell like the detergent the Alliance uses in their laundries. Somehow, though, it just reminds him of her and how he'd undressed her an hour ago, and how now everything is different.

He gets up knowing he won't be able to sleep or let it go, so he pulls on his boots and pads up to the comm room. He's glad the crew is light in the CIC; he doesn't want them to see the guilt written all over his face.

At the entrance to the comm room he hesitates before making his presence known. Shepard sits in her regular seat, Pressly in Kaidan's. Their voices are raised.

"Charles, please," Shepard says, flicking a wet strand of hair out of her eyes. "It's not a problem for the crew. I can handle it. I'll just… we'll just end it. No one needs to know."

"Shepard," Pressly responds. "You can't sweep this one under the rug. Your rank has certain expectations. So does Alenko's and so does mine. I would be failing in my duty as an officer if I just ignored this. It can't go on."

"It won't," she says a little desperately. Kaidan's heart pounds as he listens to her try and deny the truth of them. "It never affected the crew."

Pressly stands and Kaidan can see anger tight in the lines of his shoulder.

"No? What about Williams? Was this going on back then, Shepard?"

Shepard looks away and Pressly has his answer.

Kaidan steps in as Shepard covers her face with her hands. Pressly sighs loudly, looking old and worn.

"Pressly, it wasn't like that. We were professionals."

Pressly rounds on him, eyes blazing. "Professionalism goes out the window in situations like this, Lieutenant, and frankly? I'm surprised at you. I thought you both had more sense."

"Oh please, Pressly," Shepard snaps. "It was a fucking moment of weakness. Don't patronize me, or Alenko for that matter. Officers are allowed to date."

Pressly shakes his head. "Not when they serve on the same damn ship. Not within the ranks. Not when your judgment is called into question, you know that. The chain of command has to come first, you need to be above reproach in your decisions. And 'dating,' Shepard? Dating? How in any way was that wise?"

Shepard shakes her head, unable to answer. Kaidan winces.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I really am. I'll be sending my report to Anderson at the end of my shift. It's out of my hands. There are regs for a reason. With Saren defeated… this isn't some heat of the moment liaison. You are deliberately breaking regulations. Repeatedly. It has to stop. I've spent my whole life in the service and believe me, nothing good would come of me just ignoring it and hoping that I didn't catch you again."

Shepard sighs and stands, determinedly not even glancing Kaidan's way.

"Alright, Charles," she says softly. "I understand. I fucked up. You have your duty. I'd only request that you make clear that I… I coerced him, that I was the superior officer and that the burden falls fully to me. Leave Kaidan out of it."

"Shepard, no," Kaidan starts. "This was not one-sided. I wanted this."

"Silence, Lieutenant," she snaps at him. "Or I'll order you out of here."

He frowns. "No, you can't take full responsibility for this."

"I can and I will," she answers, her mouth set in a firm grimace.

"Alright, Shepard," Pressly nods.

"Goodnight then, Pressly. I'll leave the shift to you."

Kaidan follows Shepard out of the room, grabbing her by the arm once they're near the shadowy corners of the mess.

"What are you doing?" he hisses. She turns her face up to him, fire in his eyes.

"Trying to save your fucking career."

"What about yours?"

She looks away. "I-I don't know." She rubs a hand at her forehead. "Look, I'm tired, it's late. Go to sleep. We'll deal with it later."

She pulls her arm from his grip and stalks towards her cabin.

"Shepard?"

She turns before she crosses the threshold. "What?"

He's across the room in three long strides, his mouth on hers for a single stolen moment before she steps backwards and he follows, tearing himself away from her for the last time.

"What was that for?" she breathes.

"Goodbye."

He leaves to sleep alone in his pod, sleepless and sick at heart.

Two weeks later, they are torn from a tour in the Terminus by their recall to the Citadel for a crew shakeup and disciplinary action.

Their flight to Alchera is postponed and another ship assigned to geth cleanup in the interim.

Anderson meets Shepard as she disembarks the Normandy with her duffle slung over her shoulder, heavy bags under her eyes.

Kaidan takes a moment to drink her in. Despite the close quarters on the ship it's the most he's seen of her in two weeks. She shuffled the crew roster to make sure that their downtime never matched, the exact opposite of what she used to do.

If he's totally honest with himself, she looks awful, her cheeks sunken and her skin pale. He longs to take her in his arms and ask if she's been eating, if she's been struggling with paperwork or the same dread and fear he has been over the Brass' reaction.

He lingers at the elevator down to C-SEC, trying to convince himself he's not eavesdropping on her reunion with Anderson.

"What the hell, Shepard?!" is what he catches from Anderson, disappointment and anger plain on his face. "I got Pressly's report. _Goddamit_ , I expected so much more from you."

"I'm sorry," she says so quietly that Kaidan can barely hear, looking tiny and defeated next to Anderson's bulk. "Anderson, I'm sorry. It just happened."

"You know what just happens? Mechanical faults. Spilt coffee. A broken finger. You know what doesn't just happen? _Repeated and serious fraternization_. This is a goddamn mess. You know if the Williams family ever caught wind of this that it could mean a lot of trouble for the Alliance. There's the suggestion of a grave breach of protocol and compromised judgment."

Shepard winces at that and glances shyly in Kaidan's direction, clearly aware he was there the whole time. Anderson notices him, too.

"Get the hell out of here, son, before I shove my boot up your ass for you two idiots ruining the best damn crew I've ever seen."

Kaidan's not intimidated easily, but the fury and disappointment on Anderson's face is too hard to bear.

He has one last glance of Shepard's miserable face before the elevator shuts.


	2. II

In the end, Anderson smooths it over for her and Kaidan is a little guilty and far too glad that his nepotism saved her career.

But Anderson can't fix everything, and nor would he want to.

Kaidan gets his orders to report to Arcturus station, a formal reprimand in his file, a demotion threatened, and a stern warning that if he breaks one more reg he risks court martial and strict disciplinary action.

She's threatened with a demotion, but manages to hold onto her rank of Commander by the tips of her fingers. Anderson's good word did a lot to stem the wrath of the disciplinary committee, not to mention the scandal of her Spectre status and fame if news of her affair and demotion broke to the press. For once her notoriety is a good thing.

He packs the night he receives his orders in his small room at the barracks. He hasn't seen Shepard since the time she stood outside the  _Normandy_  with Anderson, but it seems she has more courage than him, because there's a knock on the door and he knows instinctively that it's her.

She stands in front of him in casual clothes, a sleek pair of black pants and tall boots with a blue long-sleeved top. She appears as if she's any other young woman on the Citadel, casual and pretty. Her eyes are vibrant, but she still looks pale and wan.

"Hi," she greets softly. "Got your orders?"

"Yeah," he rasps, telling himself over and over not to reach out and touch her like a man dying of thirst.

She looks around nervously, obviously knowing that they'd be in trouble if she was caught here. "Can I come in?"

He stands aside. "Of course."

She crosses the threshold, appearing anxious and jumpy. The distant sounds of other soldiers in the recreation room makes her eyes jump to the door, but Kaidan shrugs wordlessly, trying to set her mind at ease. He knows she doesn't stay in the barracks when on the Citadel, but it's not so unusual for a Commander to bed down in the officer quarters. She can be seen here. Well… maybe just not in his particular officer's quarters. He nervously rubs his neck, thinking that being caught together a second time would be particularly stupid.

Hello demotion, goodbye career.

She perches at his small two-place table, fiddling with an empty bottle-cap off a beer.

"I get to keep the  _Normandy_ ," she says in a rush, shrugging. He sits on the small bed. Safer that way, to not be near her.

"Shepard, that's great!" he answers with a genuine smile. "I was worried they'd try and take it from you."

"Yeah," she huffs. "Anderson sort of went to bat for me. Spun it that every soldier makes mistakes and that it was just a 'one-time, heat of battle' thing. Got a helluva mark in my file, but hopefully I can bury it in some commendations by working really hard on killing some Reapers. They gave me a good crew reshuffle, though; Adams got taken off, I barely held onto Chakwas, lost damn near all of your boys in the marine detail for some newbies and they threatened to kick off most of the alien crew before I threw in that I was a Spectre and they weren't Alliance."

"Good," he breathes in relief. "At least you'll still have Liara, Tali and Garrus."

"Yeah. Wrex has gone back to Tuchanka. He just kind of laughed and said he heard the rumors. I threatened to punch his face in and we parted as friends."

She gives him a crooked smile and he does his best to smile back. The light dies from her eyes quickly and she goes back to playing with her bottle cap.

He fiddles with the seam of his pants, for once lost for words. He'd thought that she was the one person in the galaxy that he never lose words for.

"W-What do you want to do?" she stammers, breaking the silence. She won't meet his eyes. "About us, I mean."

"Us?" he asks, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Yeah, Anderson said… he said that if we want to continue this thing… that it needs to be quiet, but-"

"But I'm being transferred," he finishes for her. "It's not breaking regs anymore. We're both officers and we're not serving together."

"Can you do it, though?" she sighs. "The long distance thing? I can't leave the  _Normandy_. Not yet. The Reapers are coming and I need to find a way to stop them when they do. I can't ask you to wait around for me and you have your own career. I know how much it means to you."

"Are you asking?"

She doesn't answer, still fiddling with her bottle-cap.

Kaidan runs his hands through his hair, scared by the fear and hesitation on her face. "You're having second thoughts, aren't you? About us?"

Her hair slips from where it was tucked behind her ear, hiding one side of her face from him.

" _Yes_ ," she whispers. "I am. Anderson was right. What about Ash's family? I mean… what if this was just some battlefield thing?"

His heart stops. "Please, don't say that. You know that's not true."

She finally looks up at him, tears in her eyes. "We barely know each other, Kaidan. We're going to be separated ten months out of a year. We can meet up on shore leave, but really, how often do we get those? A couple of weeks every few months? What if we're not even in the same cluster? We're marines, this is the life we chose. It wasn't meant-"

"It was!" he says, and he can hear his voice crack with suppressed emotion. He knows what she's doing. She's leaving him. "Look, my dad was Alliance, he made it to Major, and he made it work with my mother."

"We're not your parents, Kaidan, and your mother wasn't a marine. She was a civvy. It's not the same."

He searches for the words to make it right but all he tastes is ashes on his tongue.

"I wish to hell I'd locked that door," he says with a bitter laugh.

"I wish I had, too. But we didn't and Pressly was right. We were fooling ourselves. We had Intai'sei, our perfect shore leave, and that has to be enough for us."

She sniffs and she raises a hand to wipe her nose.

"Will I see you again?" he asks quietly.

"Sure!" she says, voice too loud, bright and wholly insincere. "We'll catch up, I'm sure. We can do coffee on Arcturus. Let me know when you get redeployed. You're going for a groundside tour this time?"

He shrugs, not caring very much for that through the breaking of his heart. "I don't know. Might get assigned to a dreadnought. The  _Kilimanjaro_  is having a crew reshuffle, I heard. I think I might try and get a posting there."

"Good, good. More career opportunities on dreadnoughts. Might shake off your rep of being associated with me, eh?" she jokes, but he doesn't smile.

He drops all pretenses. "Shep, I can't let you go."

She stands and he can finally see her face. Tears are trickling down her cheeks. Her eyes are vivid, her cloudy blue made green by the redness in her eyes.

"You're so beautiful."

She gives a strangled laugh, swiping at her eyes. "Hardly. I… I've been awful lately. I'm no good at sitting around waiting for deployment and what makes it worse is knowing when I get back on the ship you won't be waiting for me at your console with a smile and a coffee. Anderson is pissed as hell at me and I know he's being mild. If he wasn't my mentor I'm sure he would have thrown the fucking book at me."

"Shep…" he sighs, reaching forward to pull her into a hug but she backs away.

"We can't, Kaidan. If you hug me, then I'll want to kiss you and this is me trying to say goodbye. I've been practicing this speech in my head for three days and I've already gone so far off script that I'm just winging it right now. Please, I'm trying not to break my heart any further."

She tilts her head in that way she does when she wants to avoid his gaze and he can see her lips twist from trying not to sob any harder.

His mouth opens and the words stick in his throat. He has no idea what to say. Words won't show her how much she means to him. Actions will.

Kaidan walks over to his door and swipes his omni-tool, locking it.

"What are you doing?" she whispers.

He holds out his arms, a sad smile tugging his mouth. "I locked the door."

Her face crumples and she comes to him, allowing him to wrap his arms fully around her. Her hair is soft and sweet-smelling, like the jasmine shampoo she likes and home. It tickles his nose as she buries her head against his chest, small sobs ripped from her throat.

"I'm sorry I ever started this," she says. "It just hurts more now."

"I'm not sorry. Loving you couldn't be a mistake."

"Please, please, don't say that anymore," she begs. "We didn't. It was just… the danger. Because it was wrong."

Not for me, is what he wants to say but can't.

She tilts her head up, her nose snotty, her face blotchy and he does what comes naturally to him, what her eyes beg him to do.

He kisses her and he knows as soon as their lips meet that this will be their true goodbye.

"Make love to me, Kaidan."

"Is that an order, ma'am?"

"We've played this game out," she half-laughs, half-sobs. "'Get on the floor and give me twenty,' right?"

He kisses her, cups her whole face between his hands and rubs a thumb beneath her eye to catch the escaping moisture.

"A serious breach of protocol."

She sighs and rests her head on his chest. "It's what we do best."

His hands wander beneath her shirt, feeling the ridges in her spine, the shifting muscles, the tightly wound tension.

"You alright?" he murmurs as he massages the muscles. "You seem like you're sore."

"I've fucked my back somehow but this is heaven," she whispers, arching her spine under his hands. "I've missed you. It's weird sleeping without you beside me."

His kisses her forehead. "I know."

He leaves her for a moment to turn the lights down in the room, sick of the harsh fluorescents. Their only light is the gaudy ones from outside, neon pinks and yellows and reds from the Wards. It's just enough to see her with, just enough to paint her gently in a flattering hue, her skin soft and warm.

He pulls her shirt above her head, revealing a simple black bra beneath it, and leads her over to his cramped bed.

"I'm sorry about my place- I've been meaning to get an apartment or-"

"It's fine," she soothes, lying belly down on his bed. Her hair spills down her back and he notices that she hasn't cut it into the shaggy bob like she usually does. It looks wild and untamed, just like her. "The  _Normandy_  wasn't exactly classy."

"Quite a ride though," he says as he removes his shoes and hers. He climbs on top of her, resting his weight on his knees on either side of her and begins massaging her back.

"The best."

Her skin is fire beneath his hands, something that just seems right to him. The smooth expanse of her back is where he finds himself and he can't help but press a kiss there.

A shiver races through her and she groans. "You have no idea how good that feels."

His lips move to the back of her neck and down, leaving kisses at even intervals on her spine. With slightly shaky fingers he snaps the clasp of her bra and removes it. She rolls to let him take it and he catches a glimpse of a full breast.

"I've missed you," he says again, sure he's just repeating himself by now. Surely how much he misses her is written all over his face, heavy in every word, hot in his touch.

She says nothing, but turns her face into his pillow again, inhaling slowly.

His hands work at her lithe muscles, easing the pain and tension there.

"Been using biotics lately?" he asks, frowning at the tightness.

"No," she answers, voice muffled by the pillow. "It's just sore. I haven't had to use biotics for weeks now. I'm bored as shit, actually."

Kaidan smiles at the barest hint of her good humor returning. "I know the feeling."

If he glances just so he can see a small smile making dimples in her cheeks.

She rolls and he lets her bare herself to him. He feasts hungrily on the acres of pale, freckled skin, the contrast with her dark hair and light eyes alluring to him.

Her breast seem all at once brand new to him and something familiar, as if it was merely a day since he last saw her naked or maybe a lifetime.

It may as well have been a lifetime, with how much has changed.

He bends his head and rests it against her breast, hearing her heart beat below it. Shepard cradles his head, inhaling in a hitched way that says she's holding back from breaking.

He kisses the skin beneath his mouth, tasting the body lotion she likes and the faint tang of her sweat, and then he kisses down, across her smooth belly and to the zipper on her pants.

"Kaidan…"

He pulls her pants down, baring to his amusement frilly yellow underwear, a sharp contrast to her sensible and plain black bra.

A rare bark of laughter escapes his mouth. "What's with the frills, Shep?" he asks, fiddling with one of the pretty bows.

She grins impishly, the storm clouds chased from her eyes for this small moment. "Shut up. I didn't expect to be having sex and matching was a low priority. You know me, clean panties and I'm good to go, I don't care much what's on them."

"But frills?" he laughs again, bending his head and kissing around the seams. He's not sure what to make of her confession that she didn't plan to have sex. He wonders guiltily if weeks from now, months from now, she'll take another man to her bed.

The thought makes heat pool in his stomach and he has to force the thought away. She won't be his anymore. He can't ask her to not move on.

"Yes," she says with a huff, parting her thighs. She grins. "I can like girly things sometimes, you jackass."

He shakes his head as he traces a finger over her mound, watching her face turn serious again.

"I just want you, Kaidan. This perfect last thing."

He pulls her panties down her thighs, kissing her knee so her nose does that wrinkly thing again, the one he likes. Then he bends his head between her legs and sets to work to chase away the bad feelings for her.

She tastes tangy and soft as he kisses her folds. She sighs, reaching down to tangle a hand in his curly hair.

He gives her a mock frown, pausing in his mission to glance up at her grumpily. "Why do you always have to mess up my hair? You always do this."

She smiles softly and laughs, his most favorite sound in the world. "Because you have beautiful curly hair, LT, and I like to see it loose and wild. I don't know why you hate it."

He eyes her mop of wavy hair, not half as curly as his, but somehow always far messier. "Just because you don't care about all those dress code infractions…"

"Shut up, Alenko, and work your magic," she says with a giggle, determinedly running her fingers through his hair to make it as wild as possible then guiding him back between her legs.

He hums his pretend frustration against her clit and the vibration makes her toes curl against his back. She reaches a hand up to tweak her nipple and sighs. The sight of her touching herself like that makes him want to work even harder for her, and his talented tongue curls inside. She makes a muffled squeal, her fingers clawing at the duvet and her strong legs wrapping around his back.

He doesn't skimp on going down on her, putting all his effort into making her feel good when she feels so very tightly wound and stressed. He ignores the heartache in his chest, the voice that whispers that this will be the last time he'll taste her, hear her sigh his name or egg him deeper.

She soon writes beneath him as he moves to her clit, rolling the small numb between his lips gently and then licking the whole length of her. She nearly arcs off the bed, begging him, almost undone, and he decides it's time.

"Please, please, please," she chants. "Kaidan, I need you."

He kisses back up her body, tickles her belly button with his tongue in the way she likes so she gives that small laugh, and then up to her mouth to let her taste herself. She kisses him back enthusiastically, messy and wanton, nibbling on his bottom lip and pulling him as close as she is able. There are tears on her cheeks so he wipes them away as she pulls off his shirt, running her hands across his pecs and the shifting muscle in his back. It's like she wants to disappear inside him, melt into him so they could never be separated again. She always liked him being on top, preferred his body to cover her. She said it made her feel safe.

"You know what?" she asks, sighing as they kiss gently. Her eyes are heavy lidded, eyelashes a dark half-moon against her cheeks as her eyelids flutter. "You are my favorite man I've ever slept with."

He grins at the odd compliment. "Thanks. I think?"

She smiles. "Yeah."

"Well, you're my favorite woman I've ever slept with. Favorite person actually."

She helps him with his pants, fumbling at the fly in her haste. "I've never met a man like you. I don't think I will again."

"Don't say that," he says as she frees his cock and strokes it. Tiny drops of moisture leak from the tip and she swipes her thumb across it, collecting it and bringing it to her mouth. He can't take it anymore and gently presses her back into the bed. She obediently spreads her thighs.

It doesn't take much to have him so hard he thinks he's going to have a stroke, his head pounding with the blood loss, but they're both not up to much adventurous sex. She's sore and tired, drawn with grief over their ending, and he feels as if his heart is bursting - with longing, with the knowledge that she'll walk away from him and the most he'll see of her is her exploits on the news vids. And what's more than that, he's not just losing her, but the camaraderie he found on the  _Normandy_ , how perfect they were working together, biotics humming in tandem.

"Flare for me, baby," he asks softly as he covers her with his body, feeling her breasts press against his chest. He knows she likes that, likes feeling the contrast of hard against soft. "One last time. No one feels like you do."

He prays she didn't notice the slip with the pet name. Shepard never did like them very much, but she either doesn't notice or care because she obediently flares, lighting the whole room and their bodies a brilliant azure.

The amp in the back of his neck picks up on the feedback of dark energy, begging him to cut loose, too. Tiny sparks caress his skin, like sinking into a warm bath after freezing all day. His cock throbs with anticipation.

She wraps her arms around the back of his neck as he positions himself, fingers slick at her entrance, and guides himself inside.

She makes a small noise in the back of her throat, half heartbreak and half pleasure.

"Is this OK?"

"Oh god, yes," she answers. "Please, deeper."

This time their lovemaking is slow and muted, something to be savored and drawn as long as possible. He knows she'll drift away, his gravity not enough to bind the brightness of her star to him. When he wakes up in the morning, she won't be there.

She runs her hands over his back again, tracing over his freckles and moles, the imperfections, the rough patches of scars and burns he's obtained over the years. It's as if she's trying to memorize the feel of him, the exact texture of all that he is.

He shifts her thigh a fraction higher to allow him deeper access and it bends her mind a little, her eyes rolling up into the back of her head.

"Yes…" she murmurs again, her head thrown back to bare her neck. His lips devour the vulnerable expanse of skin, his tongue at her pulse point, laving soft kisses against her proof of life.

She flares brighter.

Kaidan feels his body lighten and looks in alarm as everything in the room not bolted down begins floating softly, including them.

He pauses in the pumping of his hips, cradled between her thighs. "Shepard?"

"Shhh, just… just be with me for now. Close your eyes."

He listens to her, losing himself to the light drift of no gravity and feels a strange kind of peace as he finds their rhythm again.

"You know," he whispers. "I've never had sex in zero-g. Have you?"

She breathes deeply as they spin and he opens his eyes to see a vision of a goddess. She's above him, her hair spread out behind her, her eyes shut and an expression of bliss on her face.

"No," she murmurs. "You're the first I trust to do this with."

Kaidan kisses her, marveling at the woman she is, how she can have so many layers that every day he wants to peel back new ones. She's the woman with the snotty nose, the frilly and childish panties, the woman who can negate a law of the universe to literally fuck it over.

"You can do it, too, you know," she says gently. "You're as powerful as I am."

He doesn't open his eyes as he's hit with the sudden desire to burn as brightly as her for once.

He flares, coating her in a layer of biotics that makes her skin goose bump and her inner muscles grip his cock in a rush of arousal.

She moans. "Fuck, I love the feel of you."

His addition of dark energy propels them into the middle of the room, his free boots and socks and even his datapads floating around them. She squeezes an eye open and laughs, kissing him fully.

"You're amazing, Kaidan. You make miracles."

"I just do what you do. You're the miracle."

"You have a gift. Not just your biotics, but the way you can make someone feel as if they could take on the whole galaxy alone. You have a singularly beautiful heart. And I-I…" She chokes a little, burying her head against his chest again, unable to finish.

"You're all I ever wanted," he whispers, his thrusts quickening. He can feel her start to quiver around him, her biotics sparking on his skin at each delicious contact of bone against bone, flesh against flesh, heart against heart.

When he comes, she follows a moment later, not bothering to stifle herself from calling his name for once. He thinks that the other marines might have overheard that one and give him shit in the morning, but he doesn't care. Let them talk. He's already lost her, he can't lose much more.

He holds her against him, stilled inside her for as long as he can, stroking her sweat-slick back as they float lazily. He watches her hair drift, the iris of her eye dance with dark blue energy and he thinks he'll never see anything so beautiful again.

As they come down from their peaks, so too do they allow their biotics to wane and die and soon they hit the ground with a soft thump.

Exhausted and sated, he picks her up, and carries her into his bed, her eyes already drooping with tiredness.

She curls against him, her nose in the sparse hair at his chest, stroking her long-figured hand over his heart. "Be careful without me."

"You, too."

Kaidan tries to stay awake as long as possible, but the release of his orgasm and the resulting rush of hormones beg his eyes to shut. He won't let his body betray him. He needs this time with her.

His hands stroke her bare skin, over her shoulder, her stomach, her thighs, feeling her gradually cool and shiver so he has to pull the blankets up over them. Her skin is the softest thing he's ever felt pressed against him and she responds, half asleep but lost to his touch. She takes one of the hands stroking a full breast and guides it between her legs.

The lights outside paint her in ways he didn't think possible, every inch of her skin a patchwork of colors and seduction, the hottest thing he's ever seen. He watches her as he starts to bring her off again, eyes stinging. Her body is perfect to him, the tightness of her flat stomach as she flexes, the curve of her shoulder, her generous hips that seem made to fit with him.

Her eyes are closed when she murmurs his name again, her face young and wiped of worries, smooth in relaxation.

He encourages her to orgasm a second time even slower than the first, dragging it out so they have the moments to ferret away for the future when the nights are cold and lonely. She's quiet now, her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth moving soundlessly as his hand rubs between her thighs, not rough because she's already sensitive, but slowly, never pausing in his attention to her.

He can feel himself becoming hard again for her, turned on by how she feels, still wet from her arousal and his release. She grinds against him, his cock against her back and eventually rolls over, parting her legs.

"We can do it again, if you want," she whispers shyly. "You can have this memory. This isn't just about me."

He kisses her and they don't speak again.

She's not there when he wakes up, his body cold and sore. Her clothes are gone, but he notes as he wipes sleep from his eyes that in her haste to leave and the mess of his biotics-addled room, she left her pretty yellow panties behind on his floor.

He packs them when he leaves for Arcturus and promises himself that he'll try and forget her.

No matter how impossible it is.


	3. III

He loses himself in the monotony of Arcturus, the packed halls and comfort of living and breathing a military life, not even the civilian aspects of the Citadel to distract him.

Kaidan thrives under it. He never did like the layout of Arcturus, the cramped halls too much like Brain Camp, and the emptiness of space outside the windows a stark reminder of the view from Jump Zero. But the pace is just right for him, the command structure, the way he can shut his brain down and just do the job in front of him, whether it's taking some of the newer biotic ensigns under his wing, or paperwork for the brass. It helps quell the rumors about his reassignment, too, and soon no one even remembers he was assigned under Shepard if he is careful to not bring her up in conversation.

The memory of her haunts him in his sleeping hours, somehow the last night they spent together making it worse, not better. He can scarcely sleep for imagining her naked beneath him, her smiles, even her bark when she's angry.

The Kilmanjaro's captain, Hannah Shepherd (no relation, Shepard had once prissily corrected to his amusement one day when he and Ash had made the mistake of asking,) is vetting crew for her new tour out to the borders of Council space and he works hard to get himself on the short list, hoping against hope that the small black mark on his record that says 'Shepard' and 'serious breach of protocol' escapes her notice or care.

He follows news of the  _Normandy_ 's exploits rabidly, desperate for any news on her. Every time he hears about another disappearance of a ship in the Terminus, he irrationally fears it will be her.

There are murmurs in the scuttlebutt of the disappearances, but the Brass is quick to silence it. Kaidan wonders what's going on, who the ghost ship is that stalks craft out there and why. It's like they're searching for someone or something.

Joker comms him occasionally, keeping him informed but extracting the promise that if he ever tells Shepard he was babbling then he'll break Kaidan's legs somehow. Maybe even airlock him if he has to, creaky bones vs. a trained marine's bulk and all.

"I believe you," Kaidan laughs. "You'd find some way to do it."

"Damn right I would," Joker snarks. "I'm more scared of Shepard than I am of you and I like my balls, thank you very much. She'd twist them off if she knew I was tattling on her to you. Your name is bad news around here."

"Thanks, Joker," he says sarcastically.

"Hey, no prob, man."

He solemnly swears never to tell Shepard and accepts whatever anecdote Joker has about his day. It's through Joker that Kaidan learns that Garrus went back to C-SEC and only Tali and Liara were left on the ship from the old crew, minus Chakwas and Joker. Pressly was reassigned to another ship, his position as whistleblower enough for the brass to move him on.

Shepard hadn't been happy about that. She had never been angry with him for his part in their downfall, as he was only doing his job. Kaidan didn't blame him either. In his position he would have done the same.

"Is Shepard alright?" Kaidan asks. "Things have changed a lot lately. She'll be missing Garrus."

"Ha, yeah. That's hilarious. I think he was trying to put moves on her."

Kaidan blinks, staring dumbly at his comm. "What? Garrus? Really? But he's a turian…"

"I know, right? No, I think ole' Garrus has it pretty bad for her," Joker sing-songs. "Maybe he likes the human ladies, all their soft, squishy parts. Totally kinky. Can see it in his eyes."

"Joker…" he warns.

"Hey, I'm just telling the truth. I bet if you looked at his omni-tool you would find some interesting extranet vids."

Kaidan chooses his next words carefully. "Was she… I mean, he's an alien. There's no regs. Was she, you know, uh…?"

"Reciprocal?" Joker laughs. "No, she's actually oblivious. You're cool, man."

"Oh," he breathes, trying not to sound too relieved. "I mean, she has a right to move on. I'd be happy for them. They'd be a good couple, I guess."

Joker bursts into peals of laughter. "Oh boy! You'll have to try that one again; I don't think a single soul in the galaxy would believe you. My hat didn't, and my hat doesn't even have a brain."

He sighs. "I was just worried about her, alright."

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" Joker snipes. "Oh that's right. I forgot. You got caught with your pants down around your ankles and you guys aren't speaking. Awkward."

Kaidan growls, not in the mood for his ill-humor. "Joker, thanks for that. Really."

"Alright, man. I'm sorry. Geez. Bad timing. I know the break-up's raw. I shouldn't have joked about that."

Kaidan rubs his forehead, shifting on the bench in Arcturus' auditorium as soldiers mill around, just going about their lives. He wishes things were that simple for him again. "It's alright. Sorry. I'm just touchy."

"Yeah, I hear ex-girlfriends will do that to a guy."

"Yeah."

"Shepard's alright, I guess. Hella cranky, but you know her. She's always like that. I made one crack yesterday about something stupid and she totally lost it at me."

Kaidan frowns, taking a sip of the disgusting coffee he had grabbed from the officer's mess. "What was it about? Shepard usually has reasons."

"Oh there was something in the news about those Sand babies on Earth," Joker says casually and Kaidan can just picture him shrugging in his pilot's seat, his ever-present cap perched on his head and that smirk on his face.

"Sand babies?"

"Yeah, you know. That's the nickname for them when their mothers are addicted to Red Sand while pregnant. They're born all strung out and shit. Break their own limbs with biotics from the drugs in their system. Half of them are, you know, not right in the head. Big thing in the news lately. They're trying to crack down on the Sand whores and all that in the slums."

"Joker…" Kaidan groans. "You didn't call them Sand whores did you? To her face? Or Sand babies?"

"Yeah, so? They kinda are?"

"You're an idiot," Kaidan snarls, suddenly furious with Joker's insensitivity. "Seriously. You know Shepard's mom was a drug addict, right? Who beat her? Shepard's brother was a 'Sand baby'. But Shepard didn't give up on him and he grew up to be a nice little kid. She practically raised him…. Until he died and broke Shepard's heart. You making fun of that was probably like punching her in the face."

There's a pause on the comm.

"I… didn't know, man," Joker says, sounding shocked. "Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. She was hit?"

"Yeah," Kaidan says gently. "She doesn't like to talk about that, so don't bring it up. You know how her arm is busted? She keeps breaking it?"

"Yeah, it's almost as bad as mine. I always wondered what the deal was."

"It happens when it's broken in two places with a crowbar and left to heal by itself, only reset by the Alliance years later. And that was just the last break in a string of many. It's her dominant hand, so it was always the one she tried to shield herself with."

There's another longer pause. "Fuck, man. I had no idea. She's always so… casual, you know? She acts so cocky sometimes."

"You don't walk around with abuse written on your forehead, Joker. Believe me. There's a lot more to Shepard than you'd think."

"I'm really sorry. I never would have made that crack if I knew…"

"Maybe you should say sorry to her instead," Kaidan says, draining the last of his coffee with a queasy feeling in his stomach. It's the feeling that always comes to him when he starts thinking about what Shepard had told him, how she'd ran his hand down her arm and told him to feel the bumps, a smirk on her face that played at pride for surviving her wounds but just looked scared and empty to him.

"I already apologized yesterday, though I wasn't really sure why. She got really mad at me. The rest of the crew hid from her for the rest of the day. She's cool now. Even came and same sorry for losing her temper. Man… I don't know…"

"What?"

Joker breathes a deep sigh, sounding sincere for once. "If I'm totally honest… she's not too great lately. All skinny looking and paler than normal. I'm- well I might be worried. A little."

"She's just stressed," he replies, hoping that his words are true and she's not taking the breakup worse than him. Despite Joker's teasing, Kaidan half wishes she would move on with someone better than him, just so she's happy and not lonely like she confessed she was before Kaidan.

"Yeah, maybe," Joker sighs. "Got that whole geth hunt going on that's going exactly ass backwards nowhere. She's mad as fuck at the Council. Guess I wasn't helping things yesterday."

"Probably not."

"Look, I gotta run. I think she's coming up here. We're heading to Alchera's quadrant tomorrow. I'll touch base with you in a few days."

"Right. Look, Joker, tell her I-"

The comm cuts out and Kaidan's left staring at it, suddenly glad he didn't have a chance to let his mouth or emotions run away from him. Separation's best for them. She's doing OK. She's moving on as best she can and he doesn't want to ruin it, despite the pounding of his lovesick heart that demands he do anything to have her take him back.

* * *

Kaidan's at lunch the next day, going over his transfer papers for the  _Kilimanjaro_ , thrilled he made the cut. With the prestige of working on the dreadnought maybe he can sweep the stigma of frat reg breaking under the carpet and jump-start his career again. No more fraternizing. No more dreams, risks, chances and mutinies. It's time to put away all the fantasies he had and go back to the old Kaidan Alenko before he met Shepard, the one who worked hard and was happy with his lot in life, who never did the things he did with her and made his way steadily through the ranks. That guy always did the right thing, the sensible thing.

He wasn't a particularly happy guy, but then again, neither is the Kaidan he is now, sitting in a cafeteria and mooning after the woman who dumped him two months ago.

He pokes at his steak sandwich, frowning at the soggy bread and ignoring another email on his 'tool from his mother. He doesn't know what to say to her. Sick with love on shore leave, he'd promised to bring his new girlfriend home to meet her on Earth.

Looking back, he just feels stupid for moving so quickly. He and Shepard were such a fragile thing and it was foolish to pin so much pressure on her so soon.

"Hey, man."

Kaidan glances up to see a hulking marine in front of him, a familiar scarred face.

"James," he greets. "What's up?"

James Vega sinks into the seat across from him, looking far too large for the spindly cafeteria seats. His shirt looks like it's barely restraining his massive biceps and Kaidan has to grin. He knows he's just showing off for the female marines and could actually find a properly fitting shirt if he tried.

James is a surprise new friend for Kaidan, a chance meeting only happening because they bunked in the same dorm block, their doors opposite each other. Kaidan had initially dismissed James as another jarhead only interested in muscles and crude jokes, but living so closely packed together and working out in the station's gym had revealed a softer side to the meaty marine, and they had become friends of a sort.

It's weird, and he admits the slightly codependent nature of it, but James reminds him in a way of Shepard. All bluster and bravado, but if he digs a little deeper Kaidan can see the deep well-spring of hurt and shitty childhood underneath the act. He fancies himself an expert on what a boy who is hit for months on end looks like when he grows into a man. Kaidan sees the shadows in the corners of his eyes that match his own.

James is one of the nicest guys Kaidan has ever met and he can't help but think Shepard would have loved him. He wishes she was here.

Kaidan never told him anything personal, never talked about Shepard or the circumstances of his sudden reassignment to Arcturus, but he thought James heard the scuttlebutt anyway and didn't deign to judge him. Kaidan respected that, and the two often had lunch together while James picked his brains over command issues, being only a 2nd Lieutenant to Kaidan's Staff Lieutenant.

"Nothing," James answers, sighing. "Bored. I want an assignment already. I want to go shoot something or blow it up. Anything but this."

"You'll get one. You just need to be patient."

James unwraps a massive sandwich and takes a bite, chewing noisily.

"Hey, man, I know you don't wanna talk about it…" James starts with a furtive grin, spitting flecks of lettuce all over the table. "But I heard you were, uh, friends with Commander Shepard."

"Yeah. I served on her ship," he answers warily. "What about her?"

"What's she like? I mean, in battle."

Kaidan raises his eyebrows. "In a fight? You don't mean personally?"

James smiles. "Well, I know you don't wanna talk about her and that's cool. I just wanna hear a kickass story about her. She's tiny, you know? Little chica like that… wouldn't think she'd kick so much ass." His eyes slant to Kaidan's. "Damn hot though. I've seen the vids."

Kaidan actually laughs. "Oh, Jimmy. That 'chica' could take you down blindfolded and with her hands tied behind her back. She's amazing in a fight. She would kick your ass three ways to Sunday if you ever said that to her face. You've never see anything like her. The closest thing I can compare her to is one of those professional ballerinas back on Earth."

James sits back, looking unimpressed.

Kaidan shakes his head. "No. Not the waifish ones. The ones who are so strong they can carry their whole weight on their big toe. She's so graceful. But in your face, you know? She never gives an inch and she expects anyone else in her team to be right up there with her, giving their all. I never improved so much in my biotics as I have with her. She taught me things I never dreamed of."

James grins slyly. "I heard she taught you a lot more than that."

Kaidan shutters. "Rumors that you should pay no attention to, Lieutenant."

The coldness in his voice alarms James.

"Hey, man. Sorry. I didn't mean to pry or anything. I was just curious, thought we were buds and all."

Kaidan shakes his head. "Sorry. She's off-limits."

"Alright, man. I get you. I think we all have a girl like that somewhere."

* * *

The call wakes him that night, as if finally speaking about her aloud to someone summoned her from his dreams. He sits bolt upright, confused for a moment where he is, half expecting Shepard to be lying beside her, the dark of her cabin holding all their secrets.

The noise of the comm is shrill and he blinks, half asleep as he answers, not even looking at who is calling. He thinks perhaps it's his mother, unthinking of time zones again. He kept telling his dad to talk to her about that after the last call at 3am.

A quiet voice doesn't even bother to say hello before she begins speaking.

"Kaidan, please. We made a mistake. I need to talk to you."

It's not his mother but Shepard, and Kaidan is suddenly wide awake.

She sounds snuffly, as if she's been crying.

His heart breaks all over again, here in his scratchy bunk, packed on Arcturus like a bird with its wings clipped, separated from the only other little bird that would fly so well with him.

"Shepard, we're not supposed to be speaking," he says heavily, regret in every word. "I have to ship out with the  _Kilimanjaro_  in the morning. I can't do this."

There's a long pause in which she does nothing but breathe, the sounds harsh.

He toys with the buttons on the comm, the words bitter on his tongue.

I miss you, I love you.

She whispers it, so softly he can barely hear, and in a rush, as if saying the words quickly might magically make them untrue or less devastating.

"I-I think I'm pregnant. Actually, I don't  _think_ , I know I am. I don't know what to do. I can't hide it from the crew anymore. Chakwas knows."

The world falls out beneath him, his breath suddenly too loud in his tiny dorm. The tap he left on a little to stifle the silence of deep space  _drips, drips, drips. I know I am. I-I think I'm pregnant._

The word is heavy, so heavy he can't see around the other side of it, can't absorb what she's saying. He doesn't understand. How can she be pregnant? They broke up. They said their goodbyes. He's trying to pick himself up and move on.

Somewhere distantly, he knows full-well how she can be pregnant, so many light-years from him, alone on her warship but for Joker and Chakwas. She wouldn't trust Tali or Liara enough to confide in them. In a closed-off, logical part of his brain that hears and understands her words, Kaidan considers that maybe they weren't as responsible as they could have been and now she is paying the price for his slip of judgment.

Shepard barrels on, speaking too quickly for him to catch some words. "She keeps threatening to tell someone if I don't make a decision and take myself off active duty. She says… she says that I'm fairly far along already. It was shore leave, if my math is right."

She lowers her voice even further so he has to strain to hear.

"You know… when it happened. But you know me, my math is never right. It could have been any time. We had a lot of sex, as far back as Ilos even. Who knows? Could have gotten monumentally unlucky the first go. Oh god, we were so stupid!" She gives a panicked laugh, clearly beside herself. "I'm fat, for fuck's sake. I've never been fat. I don't look good fat. I keep thinking the whole crew knows when they look at me, that they're laughing at me. My new XO keeps wondering why I have to keep relieving myself from the CIC to go spew.  _I hate him_."

Kaidan stares at a crease in his blankets and bemoans Arcturus' laundry service.

"It's yours," she adds lamely onto the end after an awkward pause, the silence oppressive. He thinks that he's making a mess of this whole thing but doesn't know what to say to her, to take the panic from her voice. "I mean, obviously. I wasn't fucking anyone else. I mean, _Jesus_."

He can just picture her so clearly, running her hand through her hair in that nervous gesture of hers and fiddling with her dog tags, maybe pressing a shaky hand to her mouth.

"Yeah. OK. I just spent half the night puking and I have to get up in an hour to check out shit and I don't know. I had to call you. I haven't slept for days. I'm alone."

His brain metaphorically packs its bags, dips its hat and catches the next shuttle into burning Sol to be fried to a crisp.

"What?" he blurts.

"I'm scared," she whispers. "My career… they'll know it's yours. We fucked up. It's all the ammo they need." She swears suddenly but he barely hears it, his heart stopped. "I need to do something about it… but I don't know-"

"What?" he repeats, his whole career crashing down and everything he ever thought he knew about his life and them changed forever.

"Can you  _fucking_  say anything other than 'what'?! I was on birth control! I don't know how this happened," she snaps, angry beyond reason. He actually jumps from the change in her tone, holding the omni-tool away from him. "I blame you, you know, and your stupid sperm."

"Shit, Shepard, give a guy a chance to process," he babbles. "You just called me in the middle of the night to tell me you were pregnant! My brain is a little scrambled."

"Your brain.  _Your brain?_  What about my brain?!" she yells and he thinks he deserves it but can't stop his verbal diarrhea and how he seems to keep making things worse.

"I can't keep anything down anymore. I've lost 20 pounds but somehow that doesn't help my armor at all. I've been sick as a fucking vorcha after dairy and I've somehow been trying to move on from the most painful breakup of my life and then I'm smacked in the face with this! You do realize Anderson will literally kill me, right? He went to bat for me and it was bad enough I had an affair with my LT but to be so  _brain-dead stupid_  as to get knocked up along with it… You can kiss your balls goodbye, by the way," she adds snidely.

"Anderson loves you," he says absently, rubbing his eyes to try and make the world make sense. "You're exaggerating. He'll be pissed probably, but you know he's on your side."

The hiss of breath on the other end of the line tells him he just said something monumentally stupid.

"'Exaggerating'?" she asks dangerously, a sinuous note to her voice like a snake coiled to strike. Kaidan smacks himself in the forehead.

"Is that what you think? That's I'm imagining all this shit? That I had to lie there, have Chakwas examine me, which is really not pleasant,  _let me tell you_ , and have my doctor tell me that she can't condone me continuing to go on missions, scold me like a teenager, look me in the eyes and know exactly whose baby it is and how badly I fucked up? Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is for me?"

"No, Shepard," he soothes. "No, of course not. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that Anderson will come around. Just calm down, you're going to make yourself sick."

"You bet your ass I'm upset. I don't want this baby, Kaidan. I don't know why I even told you."

Alarm sets his heart racing. "Shepard, you don't mean…?"

She lowers her voice again, her raging running out. "I-I've thought about it. This… thing is all I've been able to think of for the past week since Chakwas told me. I've been working up the courage to call you. Tonight I just snapped, I guess."

Her breath's a little choked and he pictures her sitting in her bed, maybe in one of his old shirts, maybe in her bra and panties, her face red and puffy, or maybe deathly pale and pinched. He doesn't know what would be worse.

What is worse is that his traitorous mind conjures images of a gentle, barely-there swell where once there was only smooth muscle.

Something weird twists in his chest.

"Are you crying?"

"N-No," she answers, clearly crying.

"Oh, sweetheart… We can work this out." He rubs his hand at his eyes so hard he sees white stars burst in the darkness. "We can."

"Don't call me that, K-Kaidan," she hiccups. "Chakwas said… she said there was still time to fix it, if I wanted. That time's running out, but she can still just do it in the med bay. I missed periods, Kaidan, not just one, but I didn't notice because I was so busy and I thought it was just the pill because I skip them sometimes anyway. It's really getting too late but I-I told her no. That I wanted to talk to you. I'm scared. I don't know what I want. All I know is that… that this isn't what I planned and I don't know what to do next."

His brain races. "Please, can we talk about this? Can you come to Arcturus?"

"I thought you were shipping out to the  _Kilimanjaro_  tomorrow?"

"Shit!" he curses their timing. "I am. Fuck. We need to talk, Shep. Please don't make any decisions yet. I want to be there for you. Whatever…" He takes a deep breath. "Whatever you decide I'll be there, OK? I'll come with you to the procedure if that's what you want."

She's definitely crying now, not even bothering to hold back. "You're not mad? You'd be OK with it if I had an abortion?"

"I want you to be safe and happy, Shepard. That's what matters to me."

"OK," she says more to herself than him. "Alright. OK. I can handle this. We need to talk when I can get back to Arcturus or the Citadel. I won't do anything but try and hold it together."

"How much time to you have left, Shep?" he asks, his heart aching for what he means, what exactly he is asking.

"… I don't know. Chakwas was talking so quickly and I was just kind of… numb and shocked."

"Listen, no matter what happens, you need to take care of yourself, alright? Forget about me if it comes right down to it. Do what's best for you."

"D-Do you want… this, Kaidan?" she asks in the smallest and most quavering voice he has ever heard from her. "I mean, honestly. Don't just tell me what I want to hear or what you think you should say. No bullshit. I won't let it affect me. I just want to know. Give me a straight answer."

He pauses. "Yeah," he coughs, his tongue dry and seemingly stuck in his throat. "I… care about you. A lot. It's part of… Look, I don't want to influence your decision."

She breathes out in a rush. "I… thought… Well, I wasn't sure what I thought. I don't know."

"You sound tired. You should rest. Everything's going to be OK, I promise you. No matter what. You're not in this alone."

She's calmed a little when she answers after a long bout of silence. "Thanks, Kaidan. I feel like I'm going to vomit my organs out, I can't stop crying or wanting to murder people and I really still kind of want to crush your balls, but I feel a little better. I-I… well, you know."

"I know. Me, too. So much," he chokes out, wetness on his cheeks.

"I need to go. Sleep. Pretend I'm a functional human being. I'll talk to you later."

"Take care, Shep. I-"

The comm cuts out and Kaidan lies back down on his bed mechanically, staring into the darkness.

"Holy shit," he breathes to no one. "I'm going to be a dad."

He remembers Shepard's fearful, angry voice, all the doubts about their future and shakes his head. He might not be a dad. He might not be anything more than some man who ruined her life, who caused her nothing but pain.

He rolls over, pulling the covers up to his chin and paging through his omni-tool until he comes to a picture of her smiling crookedly. His thumb traces the curve of her cheek.

It takes a long time for sleep to return to him.


	4. IV

Kaidan mills in the docking area of the  _Kilimanjaro_ , waiting for boarding permission the next day. His stomach keeps doing weird flip flops, nervous in the knowledge that out there in the galaxy Shepard carries his baby, possibly even while fighting geth, scared out of her mind and sick to her stomach.

He's fucked up and so very angry at himself. He'd barely been able to stand his reflection in the mirror this morning to shave, his eyes dark and sunken with worry and tiredness, as well as burning shame.

"Alenko! Alenko!" a voice calls and he turns from his perusal of the line of crew members waiting for Hannah Shepherd to welcome them aboard.

It's James, running towards him, an almost frightened expression on his face. He knocks over another marine in his haste and doesn't pause to apologize.

Kaidan frowns at him. "Vega. What's wrong? I've gotta go. I'll see you when I get back."

"No, man. It's just came on the news. You gotta see this. It's the  _Normandy_. She went down, sometime this morning if the reports are right. Alliance ships in the area are just responding now."

Ice creeps into his veins and the world seems to slow, the voices around him muted and James' frantic face blurred.

"What? What do you mean 'went down'?" he asks angrily. "The  _Normandy_  couldn't be sunk. She's the most advanced ship out there. Shepard's quick and quiet. James, this isn't funny."

"With respect, sir," James argues, blundering forward with no idea exactly what he is saying to Kaidan, that's he's telling him his pregnant ex-girlfriend was just murdered cruelly in the cold of space. "That's what they said about the  _Titanic_  and that turned out well. I heard all hands were lost. There are rumors everywhere but it sounds like they were fucked over by some monster ship. I heard the guys in Engineering say that the  _Normandy's_  remains are strewn over the planet and they're all dead, just floating there."

Kaidan punches him in the face.

James' nose bursts beneath his fist, spurting hot blood over Kaidan's hand.

"She's  _not_  dead," he says, something dead in his voice, something putrid burbling up his throat.

"What the hell?!" James yells as two marines run over to them, restraining Kaidan.

"It's alright, it's alright. Just a misunderstanding," James waves them off as Kaidan stalks away, manifesting his 'tool and hitting the number one on the speed dial for her omni-tool connection.

_"The connection you have dialed is unavailable. Please check your extranet connection and try again later."_

"Shepard, please. Please come in," he begs to the pitiless machine that chants to him over and over that she isn't there. "Please don't be dead. You can't be dead."

James crosses to his side, shaking his shoulder roughly and holding his nose with one blood-covered nose.

"Look, they're just rumors," James says shakily, finally realizing how his words must have seemed and maybe Kaidan cared a lot more about Shepard than he ever confessed. "She's probably just out of comm buoy range. They probably made it to pods and are waiting for pickup. I don't know, man. Sorry about the  _Titanic_  crack. Those engineering guys are idiots who probably don't know what they're talking about. We just need more news."

Kaidan nods dumbly, his whole world crashing down around his ears.

"I should have locked the door."

"What?" asks James uncertainly.

"I should have locked the door and I'd still be with her. We could have gone down together."

* * *

Word filters back to Arcturus. Kaidan can't sit still, waiting on confirmation that she went down with her ship or somehow miraculously survived. Thankfully, the  _Kilimanjaro's_  departure to the edges of Citadel space is delayed in the wake of the attack to provide an escort for the rescue ships. He's never been so glad in his life to secure a posting, feeling like he can actually do something for once, be on the rescue teams instead of sitting on Arcturus going crazy with worry and grief.

The only thing holding him together is the hope she's still alive out there. She's quick, smart and doesn't panic in emergencies. There's no reason she should be dead.

He can barely settle on the trip to meet the rescue frigate, which had picked up the survivor's pods and fled the scene in case the monster ship came back. It was lucky to be in the area, scouting some slaver activity when it got the  _Normandy's_  distress signal. Kaidan hopes to god she's on that ship, safe and unharmed. He even considers praying to Ash's god, but can't remember any prayers, so settles for begging her to watch over them, spare Shepard this  _one_  time.

They get word from the initial ships sent to rescue them halfway there. Not all hands were lost and most of the crew made it to the escape pods thanks to Shepard's efforts.

When he hears that not all hands were lost, he has to excuse himself to one of the tiny locker rooms and shove his fist in his mouth to stop the panic and relief showing on his face. He has to remain professional. It doesn't matter that's she's having his baby. It doesn't matter that he loves her. It doesn't matter that his heart feels like it's being squeezed in a vice every day they're apart.

They meet the small frigate just on the edges of the Terminus after a long day of travel, and prepare to dock with them to pick up the survivors. The frigate is too small to house most of them, and honestly if the ship that took down  _Normandy_  comes back, not well equipped enough to fend them off. A dreadnought is another matter entirely. Few ships have the power to take them down.

He waits anxiously near the massive airlocks that allow other ships to fully dock with the dreadnought, a quirk of their gargantuan design. He's technically not supposed to be here, but he's slipped down with the med crew under the pretense of his medic training and their sympathy for it being his old posting. They'd been notified that there was wounded in the surviving crew, broken arms and concussions from the pods hitting Alchera.

His heart is in his throat as he waits and for the first time in years since he quit, he longs for a cigarette. He's never been more afraid.

The airlock hisses open and there she is, cradled in the arms of a burly marine from the rescuing frigate. He starts forward without being aware of it, relief so hot and sudden in his throat that he scarcely feels like he's breathing.

"Shepard!" he calls, rushing forward to take her from the marine's arms. The marine gives him a dirty look but acquiesces.

She's burned badly. They obviously had to cut away parts of her armor and healing salve is smeared on the exposed bits. Burns inch over one side of her face and neck, red and angry and she's unconscious as the medics clamber forward with a gurney for Kaidan to transfer her to.

He sets her down gently as the marine who was carrying her gives a report to the medics.

"Commander Shepard, captain of the downed ship. She was the last one off. Got caught in a blast trying to save a crew member," he rattles off tonelessly as the medics rush forward, attaching machines and drips to her.

"She passed out shortly after the crew on the ground got her out of the pod but she told her doctor it was some kind of weapon beam from the attacking ship that brushed her. Her arm's swollen, nasty ebullism."

Kaidan looks down, aghast at the swelling of her arm and horrified for what it means for her. If there's gas bubbles in her bloodstream…

The medic continues as more of  _Kilimanjaro's_  doctors arm Kaidan out of the way and away from her. "Our med bay wasn't equipped very well but I gave her rudimentary care. Burns are healing with medi-gel applications," he intones without emotion. "Ran some bloods and scans. You'll have to watch her, she's pregnant and there could be complications. The ebullism is nasty, she'll need the arm taken care of and I'd also recommend an oxygen cannula. I had the Commander on one before bringing her over for transfer."

The rest of the crew gathered titters at the news about Shepard's state. Kaidan closes his eyes. The rumors will make their rounds in less than a day. Nurses talk. The scuttlebutt is a powerful and unstoppable machine.

"Wish I knew her full medical history before I started the treatment plan," the medic sighs, throwing a nasty look to the white-faced Chakwas being helped through the airlock, sagging against one of the techies Kaidan recognizes from his  _Normandy_  days. "Watch for dipping blood pressure."

The rest of the crew starts pouring onto  _Kilimanjaro_ , helped by their rescuers. They all have that familiar shell-shocked look on their face, half with tears in their eyes or blank faces. Chakwas is in tears as they whisk Shepard away to the state of the art med bay, her hand pressed to her mouth, her green eyes as wide and frightened as Kaidan has ever seen. Her normally pristine white hair is wild.

Over twenty crew members were lost, so Kaidan takes the time to talk to the ones he knows, pat them on the back, offer what little comfort he can. Shepard would expect him to take care of them.

Kaidan watches Shepard be wheeled away, knowing that she'd hate him to cause any more of a scene than he already has. He has to trust that they'll take care of her. For now, the rest of  _Normandy_  crew needs his help. He can break down over Shepard later.

"Chakwas," he says gently, walking forward to give her a hug. He face is sweaty and grimy and she shakes around him. "Are you OK?"

"Oh, Kaidan," she breathes, clutching the back of his shirt, for the moment her legendary composure lost. "We lost so many."

Tears run down her face as she pulls back to look him in the eyes.

"Joker… he didn't make it. He's  _dead_."

* * *

He sits with Shepard later in the infirmary, holding her burned hand. From one side it just looks like she's sleeping peacefully, her face clear. The other side is a mess though. She was lucky not to lose her eye.

They'd told him that she went to get Joker, to save him, and as she had done so the blast from the attacking ship had burned her, tearing her suit and giving her the ebullism and bad burns. Joker had saved her, grabbed her and yanked her into the pod, but in the process been thrown away. She'd been screaming for him, awful loud wails of desperation and anger as he was ripped away. Everyone who heard it over the comm said that it had sent chills of horror down their spines.

She was half conscious when the pod landed, in pain and wracked with guilt over Joker's death. Chakwas had to sedate her with her meager medical supplies and she'd soon passed out. She'd come so close to death that Kaidan couldn't stop shaking with the enormity of it.

Joker.

He couldn't seem to absorb the fact that he would never see him again, sitting in the cockpit, snarking at everything. That they'd never sit together again and shoot the breeze over sports teams and  _Normandy_  specs, that he'd never go to bat for him, never worry about Shepard in that odd way of his, never adjust his cap or smile crookedly, green eyes sparking with defiance and the desire to prove himself better than anyone else.

Joker was one of his closest friends. And now he's gone.

Kaidan tries not to let it show on his face, screwing all his courage and self-control and letting it smooth his expression and hold back his anger. Shepard doesn't need to see him upset when she wakes up.

Captain Hannah Shepherd took pity on him, allowing him to sit at her bedside, and for that he was thankful to be allowed to maintain his vigil.

Hannah knows what the black mark in his file means. He wonders if she's just being kind or is trying to make things easy on Shepard, to wake up to her ex-lover's face and the bad news.

Time ticks by so slowly as he sits and waits, the nurse drifting over occasionally to take Shepard's pulse or blood work. She keeps throwing Kaidan dirty looks, but he ignores them. What happens between him and Shepard is no one else's business but their own. Let her gossip. Let her put two and two together. He needs to be here for her.

Shepard's eyes flutter and she moans weakly, the burns on her skin pulling.

"Shep? You're OK," he soothes, lurching forward to stop her pulling her drips and monitors out. She blinks at him, confused. "You're in the  _Kilimanjaro's_  med bay. You and the survivors from the  _Normandy_  were rescued a day ago. You've been sleeping."

She wets her lips with her tongue, blinking slowly. "Kaidan."

She's groggy and out of it and it seems to take her a long time to summon words. He holds her hand and presses her palm to his lips.

"I'm here."

She nods slightly, watching the machine beep around the med bay. It's quiet and almost deserted, just the single nurse on night duty that watches Kaidan like a hawk, her nose long and her eyes beady.

She knows, he thinks. She knows how I feel about her.

"Joker?" Shepard murmurs and he hates having to be the one to tell her this, to have the memories rush back.

"He's… dead. I'm sorry."

Her face screws up, her whole body curling into a pained ball. She groans with pain, physical or emotional, he can't tell.

Desperate, he stands and holds her hand as tight as she allows, muttering nonsense words under his breath to try and ease her though whatever rush of agony she's going through. They wouldn't give her strong painkillers because of the pregnancy. He hates himself.

"I'm in pain. Is the…" She chokes and coughs, her whole chest heaving. Kaidan helps her sit straight and she wheezes as he rubs her back.

"Are you asking about the baby?" he asks quietly.

She nods, tears squeezing out the corner of her eyes.

"No. No. It's alright. They're monitoring you."

She blinks at him, eyes dull and empty. "Fine."

He smoothes the hair off her face. "Are you alright?" he whispers.

She flinches away from him. "Don't touch me, please. I don't deserve to be touched."

"Shepard… what?"

"Joker's dead because of me. Because of  _us_." She enunciates slowly, cold and clear, as if every word is forced out, heavy with immutable truth. "He knew about the baby. He put himself on the line to save me because I was pregnant, like an old-fashioned, chivalrous idiot," she snarls. "I'm the Commander. I was the one who was supposed to die. If he hadn't caught me crying like an overemotional schoolgirl in the locker room, everything would be as it's supposed to be and he would be the one lying in this bed. I hate you for this."

He looks at her eyes, black and wide with loathing, panic and grief, and he believes her.

He stands, stung, trying to ignore the hurt from showing on his face. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?"

She turns her face away from him, showing him her burned side. "I think that would be best."

By the time they arrive back at Arcturus, she tells the nurses not to allow him in.


	5. V

He turns down the posting on the  _Kilimanjaro_. Standing in Hannah Shepherd's office, he tells her firmly that he has personal issues to take care of and needs to be posted on a stable base.

She purses her lips, grey hair severe and gleaming in its bun. "You must take me for some fool, Alenko."

"I'm sorry, ma'am?"

"I know why you're turning down the post. It's for the Shepard woman."

He clears his throat. "With respect, ma'am, my reasons are personal and I would prefer not to discuss them."

She eyes him shrewdly. "Well, I'm glad you told me now. Last thing I need is a useless marine in deep space moping after somebody groundside. So the rumors are true then? You slipped up and got yourself in a whole world of trouble. Her, too."

"Ma'am?" he asks, playing dumb.

She smirks at him as he shifts in his bracing stance in front of his desk. "I took a chance on you for my ship-"

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I-"

"I don't make mistakes," she cuts in, dark eyes matter-of-fact in her angled face. "I was right to. You don't think I choose my men willy nilly, do you? Just because they have soulful eyes and a mildly impressive record?"

Kaidan doesn't know what to say so he settles for, "Uh, no, ma'am."

"I know David," she says, looking away from him and scribbling something on a datapad, as if he's a non-entity in her office, maybe a particularly boring flower pot. "He would never have hired you for the  _Normandy_  position if he didn't see something special in you. The same thing I saw when your application crossed my desk. Your record is spotless, Alenko. Right up until her. You're going to throw it all away for a second time? The  _Kilimanjaro_  has command positions available. You have an innate grasp of groundside battle tactics."

His mind races and he honestly doesn't know how to respond. Her eyes seem to see right through him.

"Permission to speak freely, ma'am?" he asks, choosing his words carefully.

She nods. "Granted."

"I feel as if I would be throwing away more if I took the position." He glances away from her eyes for a moment. "I feel like I would be failing my duty if I joined the  _Kilimanjaro_  and left things behind."

She actually laughs out loud at him and he barely keeps the consternation from his face.

"Oh, son," she chuckles. "You made the number one mistake soldiers like you shouldn't make when they break regs for a pretty face."

"And what's that, ma'am?" he practically huffs, annoyed.

"You fell in love with her."

He doesn't answer but she continues smirking as if she knows all his secrets.

"That's fine, Alenko. I'll belay your orders and assign you back to Arcturus. I hope you don't come to regret this."

"I won't, ma'am."

"Somehow I think you believe that. I wish you the best of luck and for the record?" She arches her eyebrow. "I think you're a hell of a soldier and you'll go far if you stop letting that pesky heart of yours rule your head."

"I'll take that under advisement. Thank you, ma'am."

"Dismissed."

* * *

Shepard is released from hospital on Arcturus after a week and he's finally able to see her, drifting like a ghost around the space station. She still won't speak to him and her cheeks are even more sunken than they were when he saw her on the  _Kilimanjaro_.

She seems to have some kind of sixth sense when it comes to him, or maybe it's her legendary N7 skills, but she always knows when he's around and makes excuses to leave.

One day she's sat in the cafeteria, staring glumly at a slice of unappetizing cake when he and Vega walk in.

"Oh, hey, it's Shepard!" James says too loudly and Kaidan groans as Shepard looks up and notices them, her eyes immediately shuttering when they land on him.

"Let's go say hi," James says cheerily and Kaidan can't quite tell if he's playing dumb or he's genuinely ignorant of the scuttlebutt about him and Shepard.

Shepard gets up to leave but James is too quick for her, plopping down in the seat beside her and happily striking up conversation. Kaidan stands there, struck dumb at the sight of her and James, his tray clutched in his hands like a life raft.

James grabs her uninjured arm, the one without the pressure bandage snaking its way up her shirt, and pumps enthusiastically, chattering a mile a minute. Shepard looks better than she did when he first saw her, he notes with relief. Her burns are almost healed, just a faint red outline and she's fixed that side of her hair into something jaunty or edgy, something one of the younger girls on Earth might wear to piss off their parents.

"Lieutenant James Vega, ma'am. Pleased to meet you. I'm Kaidan's friend. I mean, I'm Lieutenant Alenko's friend. I heard a lot about you."

She glares at Kaidan, her eyes narrowed with insult.

James catches on. "Oh, all good things. He told me what a kickass fighter you are. Kaidan, man! Come sit with us," he calls, and Kaidan honestly wants to sink into the floor and disappear forever.

He can't refuse. James has made a scene and it seems the whole cafeteria is watching the train wreck unfold.

Shepard can't escape either, so he sinks gingerly into the chair beside her, trying not to notice how the air hums with electricity.

James shivers, rubbing his arms. "Whoa. Felt some bad mojo just now. Like someone just walked over my grave."

"It's our biotics," Shepard rasps, the first word he's heard from her in over a week. He thinks maybe by the quality of her voice they're the first words she's actually spoken without being forced out by necessity. "They hum in frequency sometimes."

Kaidan looks away as she lowers her head to poke at her cake, her hair falling down one side of her face again.

"How are you feeling, Shepard?" he forces out, willing himself not to look at her, not to search for clues that she didn't wipe away the thing they had made.

"I'm fine," she says, shifting in her seat to tug at her shirt. He doesn't believe her. Stealing glances he can see she looks like she hasn't slept in a week and barely eaten.

"You don't look fine," he says quietly.

"Well, I am," she snaps. "Don't tell me what I am and am not feeling, Alenko."

He winces at the 'Alenko' as James pauses in eating, his spoonful of soup paused halfway to his mouth as he gapes at the turn the conversation's taken.

"Did it just get chilly in here, or is that just me?"

"Cram it, LT," Shepard mutters and Kaidan bristles with sudden unreasonable offense. LT was his name. Not James'.

James eyes widen but he forges ahead and Kaidan really has to admire his sheer bravery or brain-dead stupidity.

"So, Shep. May I call you Shep?"

"No."

"OK. So, I hear you're like a ballerina. Got those fancy moves."

She glares at Kaidan again and he's inappropriately struck by how much he loves her, how much he just wants her to talk to him again, uncloak herself from the pall that's fallen over her.

"I'm no dancer," she replies.

"No, no," James argues. "I heard you were like… the hardcore version of a dancer. Got all that space magic in your brain. Fancy a match sometime?"

"With you?"

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

She shifts again, her hand disappearing under the table and he suddenly knows when she glances at him shyly. She still has the baby.

"Maybe some other time. My arm's still hurt."

"Shepard, can I talk to you?" he asks as James shrugs and goes back to his soup.

"I don't see what there is to discuss, Alenko," she replies coldly. "I'll be leaving Arcturus as soon as I'm healed up."

"Please, can we talk about-"

He's cut off by a bunch of rowdy marines entering the mess and taking the table behind them. They bump Shepard's chair and she glowers but says nothing.

They don't seem to even notice her.

"So, you hear the news, Eddy? That cripple they had flying the  _Normandy_  died."

Their table tenses, James suddenly looking angry. Shepard's shoulders bow. Kaidan grasps his fork so hard he thinks it bends a little.

"Yeah, I heard," one of the burly marines replies. "No, no. That's not the juiciest part. You heard of Shepard, right? That tight-ass bitch they had in charge of the  _Normandy_?"

"Yeah, yeah. I know her. Never should have got it after Akuze. What about her?"

The marine lowers his voice conspiratorially. "Well, I heard she got herself knocked up, by one of her crew. And her pilot died to save her.  _God!_  What a shitty Commander. But you know, it all makes sense. Maybe the kid was the pilot's, you know. He wasn't just flying the ship, if you know what I mean. I dunno, man. I don't know why they let women into command positions. Shit like this always happens. Guys want to save them or they get themselves pregnant and useless."

Kaidan's heart pounds with rage and the next words seal the deal.

"Kid's gonna be born a cripple. You'll see. Maybe he'll join up too, and you know, break a bone at the enemy or cry."

He starts to stand, to say or do something, anything, he doesn't know. But Shepard beats him to it.

Standing, he can see her properly and she looks much the same as she ever did, except when her shirt rides up he can see a barely discernible curve, only noticeable to him from long hours entwined with her body.

"Shitty Commander, am I?" she whispers dangerously and the whole cafeteria hushes. The marine's faces turn ashen.

"Uh, n-no, ma'am," the marine stammers.

"I thought I heard you differently. It must be my frail lady ears. Silly me," she says and Kaidan knows from long experience that she's furious. And not just in her usual way, not just as part of her personality. She's shaking with it, every line of her body vibrating.

"Make all the cracks you want about me. Call me a whore. Call me unfit. Hell, call me whatever you want. I don't give a fuck. What you won't do is say another damn word about Jeffrey Moreau," Shepard snarls, so quiet he has to strain to hear, but the entire cafeteria hangs on her words. "He was the finest man I've ever served with and you bunch of idiots shouldn't even have the privilege of mentioning his name."

The bravest of the group of marines smirks and Kaidan can see by his insignia that he's another Commander and not cowed by her rank.

"Look, Shepard, I don't know where you get off acting so high and mighty, when from where I'm sitting, you got a subordinate killed because you couldn't keep your legs-"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence because to Kaidan's alarm, Shepard leaps on him, her hands wrapping around his throat. She's not bothering with biotics, far too gone to use them or just forgetful in her rage. Kaidan's glad. She would have killed him otherwise.

"You sonvabitch!" she yells. "How dare you. How dare you?!"

"James!" Kaidan calls, already moving for her.

Her rage makes her strong though and she fights him every step of the way as he tries to pull her off.

"Shepard! Leave him! He's not worth it."

She's beside herself, tears streaming down her face. "No, Kaidan! Let me go!"

James scrambles over to Kaidan, wrapping his arms around Shepard's middle and hauling her off. The marine's face is scratched and bloody, his nose broken by one of her flying fists. One of his eyes is already blackening.

"Careful with her!" Kaidan barks as James is a little rough. His heart is doing weird flip flops.

James sets her down in a clear area and stands in her way when she tries to push past him again.

"Come on, man," he says to her. "Let it go. Walk it off. Cool down."

Her hair is in disarray, her face a weird mixture of green and red and even as Kaidan watches she presses her hand to her mouth, her whole body heaving. He moves to her, placing a hand on her back and rubbing.

"Easy," he whispers. "You alright?"

"Fuck off," she says, choked with bile rising up her throat, and she turns and rushes off.

Kaidan watches her go, his heart tearing in two.

"Fucking crazy bitch," the marine on the floor says, spitting blood onto the ground.

Kaidan turns to punch him in the face but James beats him to it with a cheerful expression.

"If I just got my ass kicked three ways to Sunday by a 125 pound woman without even involving her biotics, I would probably be inclined to keep my stupid mouth shut lest she come back and rip my balls off. Just sayin', sir."

His buddies help the fallen Commander up off the floor and he slinks away, a burning sunset of red on his face.

"Break it up," Kaidan calls to the stunned onlookers. "Back to your lunch or posts."

They disperse slowly, a few of them muttering their admiration for Shepard's fighting skills.

* * *

She comes to him that night, like a wraith or a secret lover in the shadows, softness and hard edges both.

He doesn't even know what dorm she's been staying in or he would have went to her long ago. Arcturus station is big and she has ways of being lost.

The knock on his door startles him from his nightly round of  _'Ways in Which Kaidan Alenko Sucks and Hurts Everything but Most Especially the Women He Loves.'_

She stands behind the door, a loose shirt and BDU pants on, all sharp cheekbones and dead eyes.

"Can I come in?" she says and he opens the door wide, shocked and wordless.

"Of course."

She stands in the middle of his room and scratches her pressure bandages.

"How is your arm?"

"Fine," she mutters. "It just itches. But cut the bullshit, Kaidan. I don't have time for this. I came here for one thing."

His heart lightens, thinking that she's forgiven herself a little and is ready to talk to him about the baby, about them.

"Anything you want. I'm here for you."

She nods once and crosses the room in three quick strides. She grasps his face, pulls him down to her level and joins her lips to his. "Good," she breathes. "I need you."

He kisses her back, a breath of fresh air after too long buried underground. She groans into his mouth as his hands come around her back.

"Thank god," he sighs. "I thought… I thought you hated me."

"Don't talk," she says softly, pressing him back to his bed. "Let's just not talk."

His knees hit the back of the bed and he falls, letting her fall on top of him.

"Shepard, what-"

"Shh," she whispers, kissing him again, her mouth ravenous. "This is us before the door was left unlocked."

He's confused and he doesn't like the deadness in her eyes, but he wants her any way he can have her, the kiss of her skin on his is the thing he wants most in the world. His hands come up to rest on her hips as she slides on top of him, her thighs parting around his middle. He can feel her hot against him, even through her pants.

She reaches up and pulls her shirt off and his eyes feast hungrily on her. Her scars are barely there and as she notices him watching, she defiantly pulls off her pressure bandage.

"Shepard, you need to keep that on…"

"Fuck it," she says, running her hands over her now freed arm and tossing the bandage across the room. "I hate it."

He takes her hand and looks at it, even as she tries to distract him with more messy kisses. The arm is still a little swollen, but most of it has gone down and the scars have mostly disappeared from there, too. He presses a kiss to the feverish skin and a shiver runs through her body. He peppers kisses the entire length of it, the part of her body that touched the coldness of space as the yellow beam tore through her suit. They almost stole the very thing in the galaxy that matters most to him.

"Stop," she says and he looks up to see tears in her eyes. "I don't deserve this. Please, just fuck me and let me go. Don't be kind."

She kisses him violently, trying to force her tongue inside and makes a noise of frustration when he resists.

"Hey, hey, hey. I'm not going to just fuck you. Don't say it like that. This isn't a game, Shepard."

She unclasps her bra, leaning over him and pressing against his chest. She looks at him in challenge.

"Who says it's a game? You don't understand. You're going to kill me if you keep looking at me like that. I can't bear your kindness."

She takes his hand and presses it to her breast. He groans as he feels the weight in his hands, how it's so familiar to him, the exact softness and texture of her skin. His other hand slides up from her hip and rests on her stomach and she freezes.

"No, no, no," she mutters, climbing off him and heading for her shirt on the ground. "No."

He scrambles up. "Shepard, please.  _Stop._  Stop running."

She spins as she pulls her shirt on with her bra. "If I stop running, I'll fall and I promise you – I won't get up again."

She heads for the door, but he beats her there, pressing against the button so she can't open it.

"Can we talk? Please, Shep. Please," he begs. "I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel."

She looks up at him with tears in her eyes. "You think I do?" she asks, voice breaking. "You think I have any idea about what to do? I can't  _sleep_. I can't breathe. I can't eat. I can't _think_. Every time I close my eyes I see the ship burning and Joker caught in the blast. I just want-"

She breaks off, her shoulders heaving with sobs.

"I just want you to take away the memories for one night. Like before. I want to pretend that this thing isn't inside me. That… that I can just walk out this room like it's the SR-1 and Joker will be there to smirk at me and make jokes and I can steal his hat and wear it around the ship. That I can laugh again. Like there's not this hole inside me. That I can love you again without feeling like my heart is tearing apart."

Tears cling to her eyelashes, like the droplets from the shower from so very long ago.

"Can you give that to me? Can you let me pretend?"

Kaidan goes to her, wraps his arms around her in a hug and she sighs and sinks against him.

"I can give you that. I can try."

His hands sneak under the shirt, tracing her spine and then grasping the edges to pull it up and over her head. He backs her against the wall, running his hands over every inch of skin he can find, pretending when his fingers ghost her stomach that he's not trying to feel the subtle rise of skin. If she notices, she doesn't say anything and instead reaches down to fiddle with his fly.

He pulls off his shirt, making her pause in her desperate kisses to his mouth and they take a chance to meld their torsos against one another, feeling the hot skin, the loss of a lover.

She rests her head against his shoulder and allows him to stroke her hair, a tiny demonstration of love.

"I missed you," she murmurs.

"I love you," he returns, but she doesn't say it back. Her hands wander to his ass and inch the fabric of his pants down.

"I want sex, Kaidan," she begs. "And I don't wanna go anywhere else for it."

"Don't. I'm here."

"Then be where you're supposed to be."

He helps her pull his pants down and divests her of her own. She stands before him, her head tilted up at him in defiance, her eyes blazing, as if challenging him to mention her new curves.

He says nothing, just picks her up and carries her to the bed. He climbs on top of her, joining their mouths again and they kiss for a long time, relearning each other's bodies.

Her hands wander down his back, cupping his ass and grinding him to her, his arousal pressing against her entrance with a delicious friction. For good measure, she reaches down and strokes him a few times, the barest lift of a smile on her mouth when he groans against her neck.

"Are you sure we should be doing this, Shepard?"

She doesn't answer, just rolls and lets him curl around her, widening her legs so he can press against her and position himself right.

"I told you," she murmurs when he adjusts his arm so her head rests against it, just as he slides into her hot and slick center. "I don't know anything anymore. Don't ask me."

He kisses her neck, her mouth, her eyes as he thrusts, tilting her head so he can reach her. Her eyes are shut tightly and she won't look at him, but she accepts his affection as she used to, returning the heat with her own blazing fire.

His palms caress her breasts, gently circling her swollen peaks and feeling her clench around him, a strangled moan of pleasure escaping her mouth.

She's so tight around him, the way she presses her thighs together making a delicious friction for him. Heat begins to draw sweat from their bodies, the stuffy Arcturus dorm overheated and cloying. The fine wisps of her hair stick to her face and he can feel a bead of sweat run down his temple to splash onto her shoulder.

He can feel his release coming too early for her. She's having trouble getting there, reluctant to follow him to completion or just incapable of it.

A frustrated whimper falls from her mouth as his pace intensifies, so he reaches down to ghost his thumb over her clit, making a noise of comfort against her ear.

"You'll be OK. I swear it. I'm gonna take care of you," he mutters, not sure what he's saying but wanting to do anything to take that sound from her voice, the lines of pain from her face.

She comes, shuddering around him, tears on her face and he follows a moment later, pulling out of her to spill against the bed sheets. He feels empty when he's done as she rolls over to gaze up at him, the most helpless longing in her eyes for forgiveness he can't give her because she's the only one who can forgive herself.

He wraps his body around her, his hands on her back as she shudders, wetness on his chest as she buries her face against him. Kaidan pulls the sheets up, wrapping them around her, desperate to stop the shaking that wracks her body.

"What can I do to help you?" he says, desperate and scared for her.

"Bring Joker back to me. Let me die instead of him. Lock the door. All of these are impossible, but that's what I want."

Fear grips him tight and doesn't let go. She doesn't mention what she wants relating to their baby.

"Are… are you saying you want to die?"

She shakes her head, mouth moving wordlessly against his skin.

"Shepard, you need to speak to someone. You can't bottle this up and hope it'll go away. Please, I know what it's like. After Brain Camp I-"

"I know," she whispers. "Let's just pretend for now that everything is fine. Hold me."

"I am," he replies kissing her forehead.

"Tighter."

Her shoulders still as she drifts off to sleep and he follows hours later, finally satisfied with watching her face smooth out in sleep, watching her chest rise and fall and her slight, exhausted snores. Her eyelids flutter the whole time, lost to dreams.

When he wakes up she's gone again and he can't find her anywhere on the station.

They only tell him later in Transport that she took a shuttle to the Citadel. Joker's funeral would be held there in three days and Kaidan gets leave to join her.

He won't let her go through this alone, despite how often James tries to tell him to just let her work it out for herself.

"Man, just… she's just all messed up in the head, as any one of us would be if we saw our friend killed right in front of us," James says over coffee, only hours before Kaidan is due to depart for the Citadel himself.

"James, she has PTSD and depression," he says flatly. "You can't just get over that. I can't let her pull away because if I do, I'll lose her forever."

James looks around furtively, even though there's no one around in this tucked away corner in the bowels of Arcturus. "So, it's true what they say? About you and her? I mean… she is having, you know, a mini-human? That's not rumors?"

Kaidan sips his coffee and says nothing, merely raises his eyebrow at  _'mini-human'._

James shrugs. "It sounded right. OK, a baby creature thing."

"It's not a creature or a thing, Vega. She wasn't having an affair with Joker. She loved him as a friend and as her pilot."

James whistles slowly, out through his teeth, as if that sentence confirmed all his suspicions. "Shit, man. I don't know what to say. Are you still together?"

"No," he answers honestly. "I don't think that we are."

"And how do you feel about that? I mean…" he lowers his voice, his eyes darting around. "That's your kid, man. You must feel something."

He repeats what Shepard said to him, over and over. "I don't know anything anymore."

James looks at him with more pity in his eyes than he can stand. He wonders if that's how Shepard feels when anyone looks at her these days, the fallen hero, and humanity's best and brightest who's lost it all in a few short months. She was everything bright and beautiful, full of potential before Kaidan sullied her.

"Do you… wanna be the kid's dad?" James asks nervously. "Look, I never really brought this up before because it's weird and I don't like talking about it, but my dad… he wasn't so great. If you're gonna do this thing, you have to do it the best you can. There's no second chances when you hold that little kid. They're gonna trust you, more than anyone, and you have to not let them down."

"I know," Kaidan answers instantly. "I know. Believe me. There's nothing more I want than… than to-" he breaks off, words fleeing. "I'm just worried about Shepard. She won't let me bring it up. Won't talk about it and I don't know how to push without making her splinter, you know? She came to me, the other night, and I-" He sighs. "She wasn't the woman I used to know. She was this brittle thing and I'm worried about her."

James pats his back roughly. "Sorry."


	6. VI

The funeral is held early in the morning.

Kaidan gathers at the ceremony on the Presidium with his dress blues pressed to perfection, his medals pinned neatly to his chest and his Alliance dress cap on his head. Shepard is there, too, and for a second he has to stand and collect his composure at the sight of her. She stands off to the side with Anderson, speaking to him softly. Anderson's hand is on her back, gently offering his support. She has the female officer's wear on for once, out of respect for the occasion he thinks, or maybe even because the tight fitting slacks won't fit her anymore and the skirt is roomier. Regardless, she looks gorgeous, makeup lending her face color and life it wouldn't have otherwise. She's even straightened her hair and pinned it up into a neat bun, cleverly concealing the parts that were singed off by the crack in her helmet.

Her uniform is straight on her shoulders, and for once, pressed to perfection. She wears neat little heels, black and polished, even stockings are on her legs, the kind that have the stripe up the back that Kaidan has no words for.

She turns, as if feeling his presence, and he gets a good look at her front. Her dress blue jacket has even more medals than his and he realizes he's never heard her speak about them before, never heard her talk much about her past. He knows she survived Akuze, but beyond that he knows nothing about her exploits, knows nothing about all the years she's spent alone with nothing but her work and maybe Anderson as her only friend. He wonders what she's done with her short life, wonders why she never told him and only asked for more stories about him. He wonders if maybe he was selfish with his love, if he constructed some image for her, or let her construct one of her own.

His heart tells him no. His heart tells him he knows who she is, deep down, and that his heart knows hers as an old friend and fond lover.

For the first time since he met her, he's struck by how professional she looks, and how cold.

It's the complete opposite of the Shepard he fell in love with. That Shepard didn't brush her hair if she could help it, who wore it wild, who rarely wore makeup beyond a swipe of lip-gloss and a small lashing of mascara on special occasions.

He doesn't deny to himself that this Shepard is gorgeous, but it seems manufactured as a mask she wears, so no one ever looks further to the woman she is underneath.

His feet carry him over to them, unable to tear his gaze away. Anderson's face is stormy and Kaidan realizes he knows what Shepard hides beneath her jacket; that she told him.

"Alenko," Anderson greets coolly. "Nice to see you again. I only wish it were under better circumstances."

"As do I, sir," Kaidan responds, shaking his hand. Anderson's grip is tight to the point of pain. The older man doesn't look away from his eyes, twin brown irises burning with thoughts unsaid. Kaidan thinks that maybe he's itching to punch Kaidan in the jaw.

Shepard turns to him, watching him as if he's a distant acquaintance or maybe someone she once met on the street.

"Lieutenant Alenko, glad you could make it," she says, shaking his hand. Her grip is cool and fine-boned and he doesn't want to let go.

"You, too, ma'am."

"We better head over," Anderson says. "The ceremony is starting soon."

Joker's funeral is on the grass of a Presidium memorial area for fallen Alliance soldiers. The fake sky is brilliant today, baby blues and soft fluffy clouds. Kaidan almost wishes he had sunglasses.

The rest of the survivors from the  _Normandy_  are gathered there in neat rows, and there's also a man with bright green eyes and a girl of about twelve. She's sobbing into a handkerchief and when Shepard sees her she blanches, stopping in her tracks for a second.

"Come on, Shepard. You're a survivor," Anderson cajoles. "You can do this. Hilary doesn't blame you. The only person who truly blames you is yourself."

Shepard straightens her spine and puts steel into it. She walks ahead of the two men and takes her seat in one of the front rows of chairs, spread before a portrait of Joker grinning and tipping his cap, seated in the pilot's seat of the  _Normandy_.

Kaidan watches her and something hot burbles up his throat that he has to force down. He looks at Anderson questioningly.

"Hilary Moreau. Joker's baby sister. The man is his father, his mother died a few years ago," he answers and walks forward to take his seat beside Shepard.

In all the time Kaidan knew Joker he never mentioned his sister and he realizes that Joker was intensely private, that maybe there was far more to him than anyone knew.

The ceremony drags on through the morning, but it's a respectful one, the exact opposite of what Joker would have wanted, Kaidan finds himself thinking.

He would have made some crack about stripping him naked and just chucking him out the airlock, but Kaidan supposes Joker never counted on his death coming for him like that anyway.

_You never do see it coming._

As the Alliance officiator hands a folded Alliance flag to Hilary, Shepard makes a strangled movement as if to stand, but smothers it. She rocks on her chair a little, but thankfully no one besides Kaidan notices.

He wonders what he would be feeling if it were her funeral he was sat at. If he were burying his lover and his child and then- he decides to shut that thought off from his mind forever and bury it deep, deep down in the earth, to only be examined in his darkest of dreams.

The grief over Joker has already claimed him, furrowed its way into his heart. He doesn't need to claim anymore.

Finally, it's over and Joker is laid to rest. Chakwas is resplendent in her own dress blues, but he's never seen her looking older or more haggard. He always though she was rather pretty, in the way his mother still is, but today she looks every single one of her years and then maybe some more.

The crew begins clearing away, and Joker's family stands too, probably to head back home to Tiptree. Kaidan gets up to speak to Garrus who had come to sit with Adams, Tali, Liara and Chakwas when it all happens in a rush.

Shepard stands urgently, as if to make her way towards Hilary and Joker's father, but her legs collapse from underneath her and she falls heavily onto her side, too out of it even to break her fall.

"Shepard!"

He's not aware he's moving as he elbows aside the people in between him and her crumpled form. Anderson is by her side, waving his cap over her sweaty face to give her some air. Her eyes loll in the back of her head and Hilary bursts into tears again.

Kaidan throws himself on his knees at her side.

"Kaidan," Anderson says, real fear in his voice. "What's wrong with her? I can't wake her up."

He waves his omni-tool, medic training kicking in and the only thing keeping his hands steady.

"Low blood-pressure," he answers. "Combined with stress. It's warm here and she got up too quickly. I only hope she didn't hit her head. Does anyone have some water?" he calls to the gathered crowd. He turns back to meet Anderson's worried brown eyes. "We should get her somewhere she can rest. Your office is nearby."

Garrus comes forward and hands him a bottle of water which he takes with a grateful nod. "Thanks, Garrus."

Garrus' mandibles flap worriedly. "Is she gonna be OK? What's wrong with her?"

"She's gonna be fine," Kaidan answers, motioning Anderson to help Shepard sit up.

Chakwas hurries over, having calmed Hilary and Joker's dad and dispersed the gawking crowd. "In case you men have forgotten, I  _am_  the doctor here," she scolds, leaning over Shepard and performing the same scans that Kaidan had, confirming his diagnosis.

"She hasn't been looking after herself," she sighs. "She's dehydrated and far too skinny for this stage than I would like. No doubt this was just straw that broke the camel's back. She needs rest, food, out of this sun and someone to take care of her for once."

Chakwas pats her cheek gently, grabbing a handkerchief from her pocket and wetting it from the water bottle. She presses the fabric at Shepard's cracked lips and at her forehead.

Shepard licks her lips and her eyelids flutter. "Kaidan… what are you doing here?" she slurs, eyes slits against the harsh artificial sun. "The clouds are laughing at us."

"Shh, I know. Here, drink this," he says, guiding more water to her lips from the bottle. "You'll feel better."

She shakes her head, firmly pressing her lips together. "Milo says that I shouldn't. He says that Hilary is sad and I should lay down with him so he's not lonely anymore. I don't want him to be lonely. I miss him."

Anderson looks alarmed. "She's delirious. Her brother died ten years ago. We'll take her to my office. I'll call the medics."

Kaidan's heart hammers as he gathers her in his arms. Chakwas walks beside him, holding Shepard arm and snaking her hand under the dress blue sleeve, talking her pulse against the clock on her omni-tool.

At Kaidan's look as they cross the greens to the cluster of building she says, "Pulse is good and strong. Skin's clammy, though."

He has never felt more useless or powerless, not even in Brain Camp in the moments Vyrnnus broke Rahna's arm or when he withstood the beatings. He's failing at the one thing he should never fail at.

In Anderson's office, he drapes Shepard on the cool leather couch and helps Chakwas shrug Shepard's dress blue jacket off to reveal a sweat-soaked white blouse underneath.

Chakwas clicks her tongue. "Anderson, do you have a light blanket around here? She really should have that blouse taken off so she's cooler and doesn't have a temperature drop later from being so sweaty."

"Yes, doctor," Anderson answers, rummaging around and producing a thin yellow blanket from a cupboard. "I sleep here overnight sometimes. This one is clean."

"Good." Chakwas takes it and turns to Kaidan. "Help me undress her."

Anderson turns his back as Kaidan eases the soaked shirt from her boneless limbs.

"Doc, is she gonna be OK?"

"She needs rest and TLC, Kaidan. But she should be fine. I suspect she'll be more embarrassed than anything."

Once Shepard is divested of her shirt, Chakwas loosens the claps on her skirt so it doesn't cut into her skin. There's angry red marks left on her belly and Kaidan has to look away.

Chakwas watches Shepard sadly as she uses the shirt to wipe the excess sweat from her body and then pulls the blanket up to her chin. In Anderson's office, it's chilly, the air conditioning turned off and the ceilings high. Out of the Presidium's sun, Shepard's feverish cheeks begin to pale again.

"You silly thing," Chakwas whispers more to herself than Shepard as she tilts Shepard's head up and encourages her to drink more water. "A new skirt wouldn't have cost you much."

Kaidan takes Shepard's hand as she begins to come around again, blinking slowly with an expression of confusion on her face to find herself lying prone. Anderson pads back over.

"I called the medics," he rumbles. "They should be here soon."

"No, no, no. I'm fine," Shepard mutters, her eyes having trouble focusing on Anderson. "I just got a little sick and I have a headache. It's nothing. Don't make a fuss, Anderson."

An expression the closest that Kaidan has ever seen to panic comes over Anderson's face, and he actually shoos Kaidan from her side with a glare.

"Child," he starts gently, taking her hand in his large brown one. "You just passed out. You spoke of Milo."

Her cheeks go red. "Of course I didn't."

"Don't  _bullshit_  me, Shepard," he says sternly. "I've let you go on long enough with this grief. It's time to stop. Whether you like it or not, some small part of you wants this baby. You have a man standing there who loves you very much, as do I."

Kaidan blinks in shock. He's never seen anyone stand up to Shepard like that, let alone expected the word 'love' to come out of David Anderson's mouth with another soul in the room.

"Now," Anderson continues. "You know damn well that you could have gotten rid of that baby any time since the  _Normandy_  sinking, but you haven't. I know some part of you wants this. I saw the booties in the bag back at the apartment."

Kaidan eyes search out hers but they skitter away.

"You're a goddamn twenty-six year old with N7 training and a sharp head on your shoulders. It's time to take care of yourself. It's time to take care of that child. The medics are coming and you're going to listen to them. Then you're coming over tonight so I can make my famed risotto and you're going to sit there and eat it and love every bite. Do I make myself clear, Shepard?"

She sighs and Kaidan can tell it's half-hearted. "You're not my real dad, you know."

A smile tugs the ends of Anderson's mouth. "Thank god."

"How was Hilary?" Shepard asks quietly as Anderson moves aside for Kaidan to take her hand again. She accepts it, even squeezes back.

"She was upset," Kaidan answers honestly. "But she'll be OK."

"I didn't mean to do that. I just stood and the world went black."

"I know you didn't," he answers, pressing a kiss the back of her sweaty hand as the medics pour in the door.

After they check on Shepard and decide she just needs rests and fluids, Shepard begs them not to take her to hospital, promising that she'll take it easy and drink a lot of water. Anderson frowns but eventually adds his assent, agreeing that she can take care of herself.

He turns to Kaidan. "Son, I want you to go and handle the rest of the crew. See how they're dealing with all this and let them know that Shepard's going to be fine. Tell them it was just too much sun. I doubt anyone will buy it, but tell them anyway."

"Sir, I'd prefer that I didn't leave-"

Anderson pulls him aside and presses a piece of paper with an address scribbled on it in old-fashioned pen.

"This is my address. Shepard will be staying with me for the time being. Come over around dinner time. I'll leave you to talk. It might be easier for her if she feels she has me as a buffer."

Kaidan glances at the paper, examining the address for a place on the Silversun strip.

"Yes, sir."

"When do you have to report back to Arcturus?"

"I have a week's compassionate leave, sir."

"Then I suggest you and Shepard work out what you truly want."

* * *

Kaidan dresses nervously that night, not sure what he should wear. He always knew that Shepard and Anderson were close, but he somehow never imagined going for dinner to his actual apartment. It was strangely… domestic in a way he and Shepard never were.

He settles on a blue sweater and simple jeans with a leather jacket, feeling far too much like a nervous boyfriend about to pick his girlfriend up from her dad's. He knows intellectually that it's nothing like that, but he can't help but take too long on his hair and shaving too closely in his worry.

Anderson answers the door and Kaidan is blindsided. He's never seen the man out of uniform and the sight is shocking.

Thankfully, he's able to keep the surprise from his face and Anderson ushers him in.

"I've just finished with the rice. Shepard's in the kitchen, sitting down. She's feeling a lot better."

"Good," Kaidan answers absently, gazing with wonder around the opulent apartment and the beautiful lights from the strip dancing out the large bay windows. "You have a nice place, sir."

"Thank you, Alenko. My… partner and I usually live here, but Kahlee is away on business at the moment."

Kaidan files that little snippet of information away in the drawer that says: _'Captain Anderson is a real human being.'_

Anderson clearly registers the little tell of surprise on his face and laughs, slapping him on the back.

"Yes, Alenko. I do have a life outside of work. Sometimes."

Kaidan walks further into the house, coming to the main kitchen nook. Shepard sits there in a comfortable cable knit sweater and leggings, her feet encased in fluffy socks. She looks up when he walks in and smiles slightly.

"Here he is," she says softly. "Poor Mr. Alenko, come to deal with the crazy woman."

He walks over to her and she stands, holding the table with caution. He bends down and presses a kiss to her cheek. Almost in spite of herself, she reaches out and holds onto his jacket as she accepts the kiss and the brush of his nose against the shell of her ear.

"You're not crazy," he whispers.

"I feel like it. I don't know who I am anymore. My ship was lost. My friend was lost. My reputation was lost. I lost me."

"Some lost things can be found again."

She nods ever so slightly and her lips brush his. Kaidan applies the slightest bit of pressure and she responds, wrapping her arms around him. He follows suit, holding her and kissing her sweetly in the middle of Anderson's kitchen.

"Alright, you two, knock it off," Anderson grumbles as he enters the room. "Just because this technically isn't against regs anymore doesn't mean I want to see it."

Shepard's cheeks pink and she pulls away, sliding back into her seat and bending over the green leafy vegetables she was set at task chopping.

"Here, Alenko," Anderson barks. "Make yourself useful and chop some carrots."

Baffled, Kaidan accepted the chopping board of vegetables. He sits beside Shepard.

"Anderson is a hardass in the kitchen, too," she mutters to him with a small smile. "Welcome to Hell's Kitchen. It's all balanced meals that and good fats this yada yada."

She makes a talking motion with her hand and he has to stifle the bark of laughter.

Anderson laughs. "You ungrateful little street urchin. I feed you up and this is the thanks I get."

"David," she argues, pointing the salt shaker at him. "I have heard this bullshit for ten years now. Look at me. I'm healthy as an ox on a diet of takeout and asari sushi."

Kaidan looks around for the 'David' she's speaking about before his brain catches up with him and he realizes that's actually Anderson's first name. He never considered that Shepard was so close to him as to refer to him on a first name basis in private, but as he thought earlier in the day, there's obviously a lot he doesn't know about her.

Anderson raises his eyebrows and Kaidan plants a hand in his palm, looking at her askance.

"OK, shut up, both of you!" she snaps. "Obviously I haven't been at my finest lately, but hey, I kicked Saren's ass living off a diet of ice cream, cereal and chocolate brownies. Who can argue with that record?"

"I can," Kaidan snarks and for the first time in months he sees a true smile bloom across her face.

"Yes, well, no one asked you."

Anderson booms a laugh and starts grilling some meat at the stove. "Get chopping, soldiers."

"Aye, aye, sir," falls from both Shepard's and his lips by reflex and it makes Shepard giggle.

He never thought he'd hear that sound again and it makes him unreasonably grateful to Anderson for talking some sense into her or maybe just having the courage to plunge through her cloud of depression and wrestle her out, for one night only at least.

Anderson cracks open a bottle of wine and sets it in front of them for he and Kaidan to share. He sets a glass of juice in front of Shepard to which she wrinkles her nose.

She reaches for a glass of wine and gulps it down, as if she's been waiting all night for it.

Kaidan looks at her horrified.

"I can have one glass," she says defensively. "It doesn't hurt. I've been dying for it. I haven't drunk in months."

"Shepard, zero alcohol consumption is recommended."

Her face heats and she glares at him. "Don't patronize me."

He knew she struggled with drinking in the past, but always said that since joining the  _Normandy_  a lot of the urge to drown her sorrows disappeared.

It seems with the loss of her ship, she also felt a loss of control.

"I'm not," he says, feeling the beginnings of real anger at her. Anderson looks between them, as if agreeing with Kaidan's point but not waiting to involve himself in the spat. "The fact is that baby is half mine, too, and I care."

"It all comes back to this damn baby," she says, exhaling explosively. "So what? You think because you didn't pull out in time you have some claim over my body? Is that it?"

"I'll be in the living room," Anderson says. "When you're done, we'll eat."

Kaidan barely notices him leave the room.

"We've tip-toed around this issue, Shepard, and I'm sick of it. How far gone are you? You're obviously keeping it."

She huffs, avoiding his eyes. "I haven't decided yet."

"Those booties say otherwise. You're showing for Christ's sake. Have you been seeing a doctor?"

"I'm only a bit fat because I'm bloated and I'm usually skinny," she argues and even to her own ears it must seem a lame excuse. "I'm seventeen weeks I think, and yes I've been talking to Chakwas."

He gapes at her. "Seventeen weeks? My god, Shepard. How didn't you know sooner? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, if you remember there was a little thing like the frat regs being thrown in our faces!" She pegs the dish towel that was beside the cutting board at his head and he catches it, glaring at her.

"When did you know?"

"When Chakwas told me after mandatory bloods. I told you," she snaps. "I rang you, remember?"

"I know," he says slowly. "But you would have felt something before then, Shepard."

"Some women d-don't," she stammers. "Sometimes they go the whole time without knowing."

"Did you suspect?"

"Why are you giving me the third degree over this? No. I didn't."

She glares at him mutinously.

"I'm just realizing that maybe we never knew each other as well as we thought we did."

"Maybe the ones we really don't know are ourselves," she answers, her eyes sad.

"Have you spoken to an obstetrician, had scans?" he sighs. "Anything?"

"No." She looks away. "I've been too scared. Too busy. I wanted Chakwas, but she's not a women's health doctor. I haven't had a chance. I'm still… my head's fuzzy most of the time. Like I got Reapers buzzing around in there, muddling me up."

There's an awkward silence.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'm making a mess of things. I don't know what I want anymore."

"Don't apologize," he says, standing to wrap his arm around her spindly shoulders. "You're doing the best you can. I'm sorry. I haven't been there."

"You have. I've just been pushing you away."

"No more drinking, OK?"

"Alright. It was just with the funeral and everything…" She tears up and whispers as if afraid to say the words aloud. "I do care about it, you know. I'm not… I'm not heartless, I swear. I just forget sometimes."

He kisses the side of her forehead and she shuts her eyes. "I do know one thing about you. You have a big heart. You're the last person in the world who would be heartless."

Anderson walks back into the room then and they separate, Shepard wiping her eyes. Anderson discreetly takes away the bottle and pours himself a juice.

Dinner is quiet but homely and later Shepard retires to the spare room down the hall, the way she cocks her head encouraging Kaidan to follow.

He glances at Anderson who examines his omni-tool with sudden interest. "Oh, would you look at the time. I have to take this call from Kahlee. Goodnight, Shepard, Alenko."

"Night," Shepard choruses back and tugs Kaidan's hand to follow her.

They settle on the pristinely made bed and cuddle.

"Do you want to be together, Shepard?" Kaidan finally asks.

"I don't know."

"Do you love me, like I love you?"

"I don't know anymore. I used to."

He tries to ignore the sting that confession produces.

"What are you doing with me, then? The sex? The cuddling?"

"… I don't know. I try and recall how it used to be, you know? But all I can feel now is this hole in my chest where  _Normandy_  was. And I want something to fill it, and when I'm with you… when I'm with you it's the closest it gets."

"I'm glad you told me that," he replies, kissing her again. She accepts and even smiles, her hands snaking down his pants. Kaidan breath hitches when she reaches her goal.

"Should we keep doing this?"

"It's just sex," she replies. "Unless I gross you out now?" She motions down her body.

"No, of course not. You're gorgeous. I mean, should we keep confusing everything with sex?"

"Everything is confused anyway," she says, beginning to stoke him firmly. "Sex makes me feel a little better for just a little while."

Her mouth follows the path her hand took and soon he is engulfed in her mouth, praying to all the gods he doesn't believe in that Anderson never finds out what he's doing in his spare bedroom.

She divests herself of her clothes and helps him with his, and climbs on top of him, setting the pace with slow rotations of her hips.

Kaidan risks it all as he watches her with her head thrown back and her hair undone from its pretty bun. He smoothes his hand over the taut skin of her tummy and although she pauses just for a moment in the action of her hips, she doesn't fiercely reject him.

"You're beautiful, Shepard," he hums, rising up with her still impaled on him. He kisses her mouth and she responds, open-mouthed and desperate, panting against him mouth, his neck, her hips moving faster and faster, cradled on his lap.

"Oh god," she mouths. "Oh god. You feel right with me. Oh god."

"That's it, baby. Let go. It's OK. Just come for me."

She does so, shuddering above him, her hand in her mouth to keep from crying out. Her expression is one of beatification.

He follows behind her peak moments later, the spasm of her muscles squeezing him to completion.

Afterwards they lay in silence, Kaidan just stroking her hair. He can see her eyes in the darkness and they stare unblinking around the room. He wonders what she sees, or if she's just lost to memories.

"Shepard?"

"Hmm?"

"What are thinking about?"

"Cheesepuffs."

"What?"

"I'm want cheesepuffs. Joker used to eat them all the time. His fingers would get all orange and gross and he'd put his hands all over the  _Normandy_  controls. It used to drive me nuts, but he'd always share with me because he knows I like junk food because of all the calories and sugar content. Cheesepuffs," she repeats, eyes a fathomless pool.

"We'll buy you some cheesepuffs tomorrow."

"They won't be the same," she mumbles before her eyes close and her breath evens out, her head cradled on his chest. "It's so  _stupid_  when you pin all your dreams on one fragile thing. I let the  _Normandy_  slip right past my guard."

He doesn't say anything because he doesn't know how to vocalize that she and the baby have become his 'one fragile thing'.

"It's not stupid," is what he eventually says instead.

She's already asleep.

* * *

Kaidan pads out to the kitchen sometime in the night when Shepard awakens from a nightmare and he notes her lips are dry and cracked again. The dream makes her groggy and he hopes a drink of water will allow her to fall back into more pleasant dreams.

To his surprise, there's a light on in the office and he curiously goes to check it out.

Anderson is on the comm to someone. "How many?  _Shit._  That's half the crew. Hannah?"

There's a pause and a sick feeling lodges itself in his stomach.

Anderson swears at whatever answer he receives. "Why the hell were they in Terminus space?"

Kaidan stands there, a glass of water in his hands, and he knows that he doesn't want Shepard to know about whatever's happened. He also knows that he has zero chance of keeping it from her.

Anderson finishes his phone call and turns around, not even blinking in surprise to see Kaidan standing there, his senses probably letting him know as soon as Kaidan walked in the room.

"What's happened, sir?"

"The _Kilimanjaro_  received a distress signal from what seemed to be an Alliance frigate in Terminus space. They decided to investigate. It was a trap. They were attacked by a ship that matched the description of the one that took down the  _Normandy_."

Kaidan gapes. "How the hell did they take down a dreadnought?"

"Ripped right through their shields to the main engine. They were dead in the water. They had a wolf pack accompaniment, but they were taken out in the first wave, too. Three frigates gone. No survivors."

"Kilimanjaro's crew? There's over five hundred crew to a dreadnought, sir."

"Three hundred KIA. Hannah Shepherd was killed in the attack."

Kaidan looks away, stunned. Despite her sometimes brash attitude, he greatly respected Captain Shepherd and appreciated all she had done for him.

"Why would they attack Kilimanjaro? What's the point, what's the goal? There are never any demands for surrender. No communication. They just appear out of nowhere and blow us out of the sky," Kaidan says, frustrated with all the losses and lack of explanation.

"They're looking for  _me_ ," a quiet voice says, and he spins to see Shepard hovering at the entrance, that horrible darkness in her eyes. She's thrown on one of her tattered pairs of pajama pants and singlets and in it he can see how unnaturally thin she looks, all the more blatant for the rounding of her belly.

"Or people relating to me," she continues, padding further into the room. "They attacked the  _Normandy_  to get to me. They killed Joker in the process of trying to kill me. They attacked the  _Kilimanjaro_  because I was once on it, or because they knew Kaidan once was. I'm responsible for all those deaths."

"You're  _not_ ," he says fiercely. "Don't think that for a second."

"It's true," she replies, voice empty. "If I had died when I was meant to… the  _Kilimanjaro_  would still be around. They know I'm not dead and they'll just keep trying, over and over, until they succeed. How many more ships will burn for me? How many people?"

"None will," Anderson says. "There's a ban on Terminus flight. They're mobilizing the fleet."

"The Council won't allow you to take fleets into the Terminus, not even to garrison human colonies," Shepard argues. "You know it. We're powerless out there. Our enemy is unknown. We don't know when they'll strike, how, or even the technology they use."

The two men are silent, powerless in the face of her truth.

"The fact remains that more than three hundred soldiers have died for me needlessly. And it's not going to happen again."

"Shepard?" Kaidan asks urgently, starting forward. "Don't, this isn't your fault."

"I have a plan for the future, Kaidan. We all make sacrifices," she says, eyes serene. "I'm going to bed. You can join me if you want."

Anderson glances at Kaidan as Shepard leaves and he goes to follow.

"Kaidan…"

"Yeah?"

"She's right. They won't stop. She needs to disappear."

Kaidan meets his eyes. "I can't let her."

In bed, Shepard is cold and distant, as if the little peace they made has shattered into pieces. She won't speak, won't cuddle, won't respond, and eventually he drifts into uneasy sleep.

In the morning he leaves her to her fitful slumber and goes to buy cheesepuffs. When he comes back, she's gone and Anderson won't tell him where.

"Tell me. I have a right to know."

"She's left the Citadel, Kaidan," Anderson says with a heavy sigh. "She made me promise not to tell. She said to tell you she just wants time and she'll contact you when she's ready. She said that she needs to figure some things out in a safe place, one she doesn't have to worry about being attacked, or drawing attackers to others around her. She wants you to be safe and she thinks by distancing herself from you, you will be."

No matter how Kaidan asks, pleads, orders or gets angry, Anderson remains unmoved and respectful of her wishes.

"She's safe. I made sure of it and she'll keep in touch."

"That's cold comfort," Kaidan snarls, on the verge of punching him in the face. "With all due respect, sir,  _kiss my ass_."

He spends the rest of his leave searching for her in forgotten places, even taking a shuttle to Intai'sei and walking through her desolate and empty apartment.

The still dirty bed sheets mock him, whisper to him, and laugh at his folly.

He sits on the bed and thinks,  _This is where our lives changed forever. Where I ruined everything by falling in love with a ghost._


	7. VII

The months pass slowly. His leave ends and he goes back to Arcturus. James has shipped out already and that's OK, because Kaidan wouldn't be very good company anyway. The hole in his chest that has seemed to jump from Shepard to him by mere contact and loss makes sure of that.

His mom calls. He puts her off but something in his voice must betray him because his dad calls a few days later and asks him how he is. His dad is never the one to call first.

"You've been quiet, son. What's on your mind? I know you, Kaidan. There's always something going on in there."

The whole sordid tale tumbles out of him in a rush, as if he is five again and Daddy will chase away the monsters.

"I got a woman pregnant, Dad." Kaidan leans forward at his desk in his quarters, holding his pounding head as a migraine races through it. He prays he doesn't slur his words, lest his dad think him drunk. "But she's having problems and wants nothing to do with me."

"Drug problems, Kaidan?" Casimir asks instantly, nonplussed in that way of his, too many years in the military to panic easily. "I know some good doctors. I can help get her the help she needs. Red Sand? It's Red Sand, isn't it? We'll sort it out. Get her and the baby medical attention. I have some creds tied up in property, I'll get her the best-"

"Dad, no."

"Care-"

"Pa, _no_. Stop. It's not drugs. She doesn't take drugs, OK? She's just been through some things. Her friend died in front of her, right around the time we found out about... the baby."

"Oh," Casimir says, the wind taken out of his sails. "Well, that's good. At least it wasn't drugs."

There's a pause and then Kaidan has to confess the whole truth, his conscience eating at him.

"It's someone I used to work with. A colleague."

Casimir hisses in a sharp breath. "Kaidan… when you say work with-?"

"We don't work together anymore, it's OK, Dad."

"Good, because you know how I'd feel about that."

"Yeah."

"Combat role?"

"Yeah, you could say that. She's an Adept, so she's frontline material."

"That how she saw her friend die?"

"Yeah."

"Damn. PTSD," Casimir mutters. "I saw my fair share of that in my time in the service. Listen, I'll talk to your mother, see if she has any idea-"

"Oh, don't tell Ma. She has enough to deal with. Plus," Kaidan adds ruefully, "she'll kill me."

"You make your bed, Kaidan, and you lie in it."

Kaidan groans, used to his dad's hardass attitude, but somewhat hoping in vain that it had at least mellowed a little in his old age or with the news he's to be a grandfather. No such luck.

"Now," Casimir continues. "Where is she? Have you tried apologizing? You have taken responsibility haven't you? You have a duty and Alenko men do not back down from duty."

"Apologizing? What for? I didn't tell you I did anything wrong."

"Son, in these matters it's always best to apologize and ask questions later. Trust me. Apologize until you're blue in the face and grovel if you have to."

Kaidan barks a surprised laugh. "Is that how you deal with Mom?"

"You bet your ass it is."

"To answer your other questions," Kaidan continues. "I don't know where she is. That's the problem. And of course I've taken responsibility. I wouldn't let her do this alone if I had the choice."

"Alright," Casimir says and Kaidan can hear Major Casimir Alenko assert himself, no longer his aging father but the keen and sharp military mind he used to be. "You said she's gone. Where would she go? To family?"

"No." Kaidan shakes his head, even though his dad can't see him. "She has none and she's not with the friend who she would stay with. I've searched where she lived. She's not at her apartment. She's not on Arcturus. She could be anywhere, Dad. Terra Nova, in the Citadel Wards, anywhere. There's billions of worlds out there and billions upon billions of people to get lost in."

"She needs to eat. She needs money. She's still in the Alliance, yes?"

"Yeah. The Alliance is all she knows."

"So narrow it down to places she could work with the Alliance in a non-combat role. Use your brain, you're not an idiot. They probably stuck her in a desk job. Scope around. You'll find her. It's probably where you least expect it. She's military; she's a survivor, frontline material. She'll be thinking like you're the enemy and hide right under your nose. Where wouldn't you expect her to go?"

Kaidan frowns, thinking hard. "Earth…" he answers slowly. "She's not fond of Earth."

"No better place for Alliance HQ, is there? I suggest you come to Vancouver and see your mother, and while you're here, you find your girlfriend."

Words tingle on the tip of his tongue, longing to burst free, to confess this one small thing to his father.

"I'm in love with her, Dad."

"Ahh," Casimir sighs. "There it is. Ami kept telling me you sounded weird on the comm. I thought she was being paranoid. In love, eh?"

Kaidan doesn't answer and his silence is enough.

"I know you too well, Kaidan. You fall in love with your whole heart. I still remember that Rahna girl and what she did to you, you know."

"Shepard is nothing like Rahna," Kaidan snaps. "Nothing."

Casimir goes dangerously quiet. " _Shepard_? You knocked up the Savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre?"

"Shit."

Kaidan hears the clunk of the dropped comm terminal and then, "Ami! You need to have a chat with your son!"

"Why is he  _my_  son all of a sudden?" he can hear his mother snap at his father.

"Because he knocked up humanity's golden girl, that's why. I told you he was too quiet for his own good!  _I told you_ , Ami! He always gets up to trouble when he goes quiet."

He can hear his mother squeal and his head resumes its pounding.

"Kaidan Alenko, when you get your ass home to Earth I am going to give you a damn good talking to!" his mother tells him (reminding him forcefully of Shepard and her fire) and then her tone softens. "A baby, though, Kaidan. Oh, that's wonderful. I do hope you patch things up."

"I'm trying, Ma. I'm trying."

* * *

The next shore leave Kaidan obtains, he heads straight into Anderson's office and doesn't wait for permission to come in.

"She's on Earth." he says bluntly, making his face closed and hard, counting on Anderson buying his bluff.

"How did you find out, has she contacted you yet?" Anderson asks, eyes wide with surprise. "She's barely speaking to me as it is. I have to rely on updates from my friends in London."

Kaidan grins. "I didn't know. You just told me, right now."

Anderson lets out a heavy sigh. "Well played, son. Yes. She's in London. I approved her transfer to the Alliance HQ there since she preferred any other place than Vancouver. She's staying in my old apartment. I was born in London and I own some small property there."

Kaidan doesn't wait, just salutes briskly and turns to leave.

"Alenko?" Anderson calls. "For what it's worth… I think you're the best hope I have of ever seeing her smile again. I was wrong not to tell you, I think."

"You were only trying to help her and do as she asked," Kaidan sighs and then leaves to catch his ride to Earth on the next transport.

* * *

London HQ isn't as large as Vancouver's but it is older, a quirk of the city Kaidan thinks. It's raining and miserable as he disembarks the transport, hefting his duffle bag on his shoulder and turning his collar up against the rain.

"London calling, eh?" a burly marine grins to him. "It's good to be 'ome."

Kaidan squints up at Big Ben, just visible in the sprawl of city and a passenger skycar whizzes by.

"Not home," he answers. "But I'm here looking for her."

"Good luck, mate," the marine laughs. "Girl trouble. That's the worst of 'em." He heaves his own duffle bag onto his shoulder. "I'm heading to the pub to 'ave a pint. Too long on that damn Citadel without a decent brew. If you find that home of yours, you come 'ave one on me, all right?"

"Sure," Kaidan agrees easily. "Enjoy your shore leave."

He wanders down the Thames slowly, taking in the London sights through the torrential downpour. It's not like Vancouver, with its clean, sleek grey lines, but a strange mish-mash of old and new. A high rise juts towards the sky, neon lights and jagged angles, and beside it a fast food place is entrenched in an old-fashioned store, its lights dim and quaint in comparison. He blinks and just for the space of a breath he imagines a woman with a red ribbon in her hair standing in front of it.

The vision clears when the sun shifts behind a cloud and gloom returns.

As he makes his way to Alliance he rehearses the speech he has in his head over and over, wondering if she'll listen to him, if she'll kick him out, tell him to go back to Arcturus and never contact her again. If there will even still be a baby.

He flashes his ID to the guards at HQ and asks for directions to her. One grins at him.

"Shepard? Ah, Captain Anderson said you'd be coming. Oh yeah. She works in admin on the third floor. Hell of a firecracker, that one. Watch yourself, sir."

Kaidan nods. "I'll do that."

"Hey, buddy?" the other guard calls to him, a strong Scottish brogue thick in his voice. "Tell Shepard that Fred down in security said thanks. Sonja loved the scarf she knitted."

Kaidan stops in his steps, turning back slowly. "Shepard knits?"

Fred nods enthusiastically. "Oh yeah. She's great. She's kind of like the favorite officer around the enlisted, but don't tell her I told you. She's been learnin' to knit for the wee bairn, you know?"

Kaidan raises his eyebrows quizzically. "'Wee bairn?"

"Aye," Fred laughs. "What is it you Yankees say? The bun in the oven?"

"I'm not American," Kaidan says faintly, a little overwhelmed by the mental image of Shepard knitting.

"You better be off. The Commander was in a pretty foul mood this morning and I dare says she could do with a break from paperwork," Fred says with a friendly wink.

Kaidan leaves Fred to regale the other guard with his knitting and strange sayings and heads upstairs, his heart pounding as the elevator counts down the floors.

He walks out as if in slow motion, to a floor of desks and HUD panels with giant monitors plastered to the wall, some kind of central information center.

He spots her immediately, recognizing her butt anywhere. He almost laughs as she bends over a desk, fiddling with a stapler and a pile of datapads and paperwork scattered around her.

"I have had it up to fucking here with this motherfucking stapler!" she huffs. "Jeanne," she calls to the woman the next desk over. "I give up."

With that great pronouncement, she waves her hand and the stapler flies across the room unnaturally fast to embed itself in the wall.

"You know, I don't think a desk job is quite your thing, Shep."

The words fall from his mouth. Not what he intended to say at all, but the only words that come to mind. Her back stiffens and she turns slowly, the blue corona still dying from her body.

"Kaidan…" she breathes and he is lost.

She's gorgeous, clad in casual Alliance BDUs, her stomach round and somehow far bigger than he imagined, still picturing how small she was three long months ago.

Her hair is long and lush, shiny in a way he's never seen before. He knows it's a cliché, but she is practically glowing, her sallow pallor from before gone to be replaced with peaches and cream, rosy cheeks and rosebud lips. Her eyes gleam at him, twin riverbed stones and far more precious.

She walks to him in slow motion and uncaring of any one in the room, grabs his head and brings his lips to hers kissing him fully on the mouth. Her tummy bumps between them and she laughs.

"Sorry. I'm a whale."

He laughs, his hand coming up to hold her chin. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in the whole wide galaxy." He draws her closer to him, pressing them flush together. "But," he says, lowering his voice. "Should we be kissing like this?" His eyes flicker to the watching administration staff.

Jeanne, her friend, gives Shepard a wolf whistle and two thumbs up.

Shepard sticks her middle finger up and tells her, "Fuck off, Jeanne, you old bitch."

"Come on, Shepard," she calls back. "I heard you moan over that man's dick enough for three months. This is like ultra-delayed gratification for me."

Shepard turns back to him, grinning, her eyes radiant. "No, it's OK. We're not breaking regs, right? Everyone knows this isn't an immaculate conception here." She motions to her tummy. "Besides, what have I got to lose right now, except the one man I always wanted? I've been alone for too long. I don't wanna be alone anymore."

"You won't be," he promises gruffly.

"Listen, come with me," she says, pulling him away from the desks and into a quiet, smaller conference room. She laughs with nerves and he's so happy to see her smiling again.

She holds her hand up to forestall him when he opens his mouth.

"First things first," she says. "I'm sorry. I got lost in the raincloud and I couldn't deal with anything. I had to take a step back from everything and I thought that coming to London was best for everyone. In a way it was. Whatever thing is out there taking down ships, realizes that I'm out of reach and has stopped trying." She smiles crookedly. "For once, Earth and its fleets were my safe haven. I'm only sorry I hurt you."

"I was worried about you, Shepard," he says gently. "I was out of my mind, every single day we were apart."

"I've actually been working up the courage to call you. To say sorry. To say anything. I've been talking to Jeanne and she used to be a therapist. It's helped but I've been taking baby steps. I feel guilty over Joker. It's still my fault he died." She takes a deep breath. "But I've learned to try and work through the pain, to not let it overwhelm and bury me. The baby's helped. He gives me a future to hope for. I have you to thank for that."

"You look great, Shepard," he says again, scarcely able to believe what he sees in front of him, that this radiant woman cares for him.

She smiles. "It's been rough and I have takeout pizza more than I care to admit, but I've been seeing a doctor and taking vitamins. I only wish I could be as brave as you and had contacted you sooner."

"Don't be. You are brave. Braver than anyone I've ever met. Even Wrex."

She kisses him again, fully and long, using her tongue in the way he likes, heedless of Jeanne with her nose pressed against the glass door.

Kaidan's heart seems to swell to an impossible size, begging to burst out of his chest.

"I have… things I want to say. Looking back, I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right?"

She nods. "My regrets could fill a black hole. You're a good man. A better person."

He shakes his head. "No. You're too hard on yourself."

He gets to his knees before her and holds her hands.

She looks at him in alarm, red blooming across her face.

He takes a deep breath. "I've planned this out since I left the Citadel, across the vastness of deep space and the emptiness of my dreams without you. I'm probably gonna screw it up, but just go with me here."

She nods, her face curious and tentative.

"Shepard, Shepard, impossible, beautiful, angry, funny, imperfectly perfect Shepard. I love you. I'm in love with you. I always will be. I've loved you since the moment I saw you try and read Ash's poems, just to make her happy, too scared to tell her you couldn't really read and trying so damn hard anyway."

His hands shake with nerves as tears fill her eyes and his voice cracks a little like he's sixteen and having sex for the first time.

"I've loved you since I saw you throw a merc across the room and then turn and flick your hair out of your eyes. I've loved you since you told me biotics were a gift and not a curse, and I didn't have to be afraid anymore."

"Kaidan, I- oh my god," she whispers, a slow smile stretching across her face as her tears start to spill down her cheeks.

"I've loved you since you made me laugh so hard on Noveria that the whiskey we were drinking in the bar came out my nose and it stung for a week. I seemed to fall in love with you in increments and then all at once, so fast I didn't even know what had happened to me, only that seeing your face was the best part of my day. I don't believe in love transcending lifetimes, but I believe mine will for you."

"Kaidan," she sobs. "Stop. The baby is kicking me because I'm so fucking happy."

She grabs his hand and places it under her shirt, over the swell there and he feels a tiny foot boot him in the palm. Tears start streaking down his face, too.

"I-I didn't love you when I first saw you, so long ago in that Rio docking bay," he stammers, scarcely able to think from the feeling in his chest, "but I grew to know you and I saw the real you. I know you. And I can't unknow you. I never want to. I want to marry you. I want to give everything up for you. I never want to spend so long apart or miss another thing. I want to raise our son or daughter-"

"Son," she blurts, sobbing her heart out.

"What?" he asks, lost for a moment.

"Our son." She grins. "It's a boy."

"A baby b-boy?" He stands and unable to help himself, crushes her against him, feeling her belly against his stomach and the flutters there.

"Uh huh. He really likes his dad, too," she laughs, pulling back from him with a snotty nose and the biggest smile he's ever seen. "He hasn't stopped going crazy since you walked in here. The doc says he's perfectly healthy. No eezo nodules. Nothing weird. Just a normal little baby. I've been thinking of names, but I want to talk about them with you. I'm glad you came for me."

"I couldn't leave you behind, Shepard. I never will."

"I'm in love with you, too," she says softly, that shy light coming back into her eyes, like the moments in sex after she comes or the first time she ever said those words to him. "I always will be. I've loved you since I first realized you were the perfect one for me, that maybe your little black raincloud could chase away mine. I'm not scared anymore. Joker would want me to live. That's what he died for. And I'm going to live well, with you and our boy."

He kisses her once more and doesn't even hear the office outside erupt in cheers, led by one very nosey Jeanne.

He asks her later how on Earth she coped with a desk job while being illiterate.

She grins at him and says, "By throwing staplers at the wall and threatening anyone who complains about my spelling or handwriting that I'll start ranting about giant fleas from dark space if they don't get off my back. Plus, Anderson is a dirty rotten player of favorites and got me easy work. I'm pretty sure I owe him my firstborn now."

* * *

The moon spills into Anderson's tiny London apartment through the window. The walls shake every time one of the massive passenger transports takes off from the nearby airport. Kaidan doesn't care. He's wrapped in her arms, skin-to-skin, heart-to-heart again.

They take it slow, the sheets a nest of comfort and safety, a shield from the draughty breezes that creep through the old walls to steal their heat away.

She's not like she used to be and that's OK. There are more sides of her to discover, to explore the new softness to her eyes, to feel how she's changed.

"Kaidan..." she breathes as she always has, her mouth to his neck, her lips soft and exploratory.

Her hands are everywhere and nowhere, feeling how he has changed, too. The months had been hard on him and his muscles are wirier, but she doesn't care, her hands as gentle and insistent as they've ever been.

They don't have sex for once. They don't use it as a bandaid, a crutch for being unable to speak. Instead they just use their hands, their lips, their words to tell each other how they feel and somehow, it's the closest Kaidan has ever felt to her since that day long ago when Pressly made a decision for them.

"I love you," she sighs.

"I know you do. I'm the luckiest man alive."

* * *

They marry three weeks later in a tiny ceremony in the Alliance officers quarters presided over by the Alliance non-denominational officiator. James catches a shuttle in from a warzone to be his best man and Anderson walks Shepard down the aisle. His parents fly in from Vancouver for an awkward meeting and he swears sparks actually fly when Casimir and Shepard meet.

"So, you're the one my boy knocked up," his father grunts.

"So, you're the one Kaidan gets his frown face from," Shepard grunts back. "I can see the family resemblance," she sniffs. "There's that pole up your ass."

Ami hides her face in her hands and Kaidan feels like doing the same.

He waits for the explosion.

"You're alright, Shepard," his dad says instead. "At least my grandson might be born with some damn steel in his spine."

"Maybe, old man," she says loftily. "Maybe."

"Ma, I think hell just froze over," Kaidan says.

Ami nods dumbly. "I have never seen your father hate someone so much and love them at the same time."

* * *

They don't dress up.

Ami curls Shepard's hair and slicks some pale pink lipstick on her lips. She wears her dress blues, better fitting ones than Joker's funeral, and Kaidan does the same, feeling ten feet tall and braver than he's ever been. His father helps him press his jacket.

"Now, my boy. Now the real test begins. You treat her right, like a real man should, you raise your boy well, and you get your ass back into your job now that this fraternization business is cured."

"Aye, aye, sir," Kaidan answers his father, dressed in a sharp suit, but Kaidan can see the phantom echoes of medals on his chest, the wisp of blue across his chest. An Alliance man, through and through.

"Now go out there and get yourself married to that harpy of a woman."

"Dad! She's not a harpy," he laughs. "She's just unconventional."

"Kaidan, the woman is a public menace, but damn if I don't respect the hell out of her."

As the officiator runs through the quick ceremony, he loses himself in her eyes, drowning in the stars that fell out of her galaxy map to pool in her eyes.

He barely hears to the prompts, but finds himself murmuring, "'Till death do us part."

* * *

She gives birth, scarcely a week later, premature enough that it catches them both off guard. They were going to move her to Vancouver to live with his parents after he had to go back to work, but their son was as impatient as his wife and announced his arrival by making Shepard's water's break all over Kaidan's shoes as they stood kissing in her tiny apartment kitchen one morning.

"I hate you so much," she sobs after they race to the hospital and endure hours of screaming labor. "I hate you so much, Kaidan Alenko. You hear me? So much."

"I hear you, sweetheart," he promises, holding her hand tight as she bears down at the nurse's urging. "I love you, too. You're doing great."

"Fucking stop patronizing me, you fucking cock of a man. Why don't you squeeze this baby out of your ass, and come back and tell me how great I am?"

The nurse raises her eyebrows.

Kaidan shrugs. "She doesn't mean it."

"My ass, I don't," she scoffs, before being lost to more agonizing contractions. Kaidan winces in sympathy, not just for the pain on her face, but for the fact that he's about 99% certain she's broken his pinky finger. He's just glad that she didn't throw a nurse through a window with her biotics.

Their son slips into the world early in the morning, announcing his long and hard fought breath of life with loud wails and a screaming red face, covered in afterbirth and mucus.

Kaidan has found his newest favorite, real, mini-human being.

Shepard cradles him in her arms, a sobbing mess.

"Look what we made, Kaidan. Look what we made. He's perfect. He's the most perfect thing I've ever seen."

Kaidan wipes his tears away, kissing her as hard as he can on the side of her head, pulling her sweaty hair away from her face. "I love you and him more than anything in this galaxy. I'll do anything to keep you safe. He's perfect."

His son's bellows his displeasure as Kaidan presses a kiss to his gross little face.

"What should we call him?"

"Miles," she answers, beaming sadly. "For Ash and her poems. For my brother. Because we have miles to go before we sleep and can't ever give up. Even when it's hard. Especially then."

She holds the wrapped, flailing bundle out to him. "Here, Miles. This is your daddy. Say hi."

He takes the warm weight in his arms and looks down into the miniature face of him and his wife. Shepard's perfect eyes and a riot of curly black hair.

"Hi Miles. I'm your dad. And nothing bad is ever gonna happen to you while I'm around."

* * *

**One year later, 2185 CE.**

* * *

"Ma, Ma, Ma," Miles babbles, toddling on his fat little legs down the rows of sunflowers. Shepard laughs and holds his hands, helping him when he stumbles and stopping him falling flat onto his face. Ami walks beside her, chattering in her usual way about the day-care teacher and how she's just an idiot who obviously doesn't realize how gifted Miles is.

"Ma," he can hear Shepard call. "You're sounding a tiny bit like an over proud grandma there. He's just a normal little kid who likes to play up in care. He just needs you to stop spoiling him rotten."

"Nonsense, Shepard! I don't spoil him."

"He's your only grandchild. You  _so_  do."

Kaidan walks further back with his dad, a feeling of complete contentment warm in his chest.

"How did the doctor's go?" Casimir asks, plucking a sunflower stalk and inspecting it for pests.

"Good," Kaidan answers. "He says as long as she keeps feeling like she is, then it's safe to say that she's recovered from the post-natal depression. She's not had a bad day in months... even with the anniversary. We went to the memorial with Miles. She let Hilary hold him. She only cried after we got home, but we put Miles to bed, I held her and we were OK. It was good for her."

Casimir nods, the movement brisk. "Good. Tough woman, that wife of yours."

"I know," Kaidan answers simply. "I won't lie. There's bad and good days. But there's more good than bad and how many people get to say that?"

"Damn few."

"Shepard's prone to depression. We know that now and we can plan. She has meds for when it's too hard and she has me. I'm never going to leave her behind. The baby was always going to be a challenge for us, and maybe he wasn't something we planned for, but I think we dealt with the cards we were given as best we could."

"That's all you can do, Kaidan," Casimir says, patting him on the shoulder.

"We're happy, Dad. My son is everything to me and I... I never knew you could love someone so much; I wasn't even prepared loving Shepard. He's a part of her and a part of me, and that's never going to change."

Casimir's black eyes shine a little with moisture. "It's hard, being a father. It's something you can't bare to fail at and it's one thing that inevitably you're going to make mistakes. I regret a lot of the things that I-"

"Pa," he says, the childish nickname slipping from his lips, voice cracking. "Don't. You did the best you could. I've had a good life."

"I never should have let those damn scientists stick that junk in your head. I never should have let them haul you off to that hellhole to become old before you even became a man. It wasn't right."

Casimir fiddles with the sunflower stalk, uncomfortable with his burst of emotional honestly.

Kaidan looks away. "Without the L2, I might never have joined the Alliance. I might never have met her. You can't predict the future and I'm grateful for the life I've had, even all the things that led me to this moment. The pain is worth it."

His father clears his throat. "I'm proud of you, son. So damn proud."

Kaidan watches his wife run after his son and thinks he would like to freeze this perfect moment, this exact feeling in his chest, this perfect, full love he feels.

Time won't wait. He knows that. So instead, he savors the moment, locks it away in his heart to be pulled out and examined when the days turn dark again. He knows the little black raincloud will always come back. The trick is to be prepared when it does.

"Hey, hey, hey, little man," Shepard calls as Miles tries to toddle away from her. "Not so fast. Look what your daddy brought home from work."

From her satchel bag that's slung over her shoulder, she produces a small model  _Normandy_.

"Now," she says, plucking the boy up from the ground and carrying him over to a soft part of the found where some sunflowers have been flattened. She sinks down onto them, cradling the baby to her chest and holds the model ship aloft with her biotics. "I'm gonna tell you a story."

"Ami, love," Casimir says, jogging ahead, his curly hair caught in the light breeze. "Let's walk on. I think Chris told me there were some worms in the apples near field three. We'll have a look."

He makes a meaningful gesture towards Shepard and Ami cottons on. "Oh, of course. Yes. Kaidan, Shepard, dears, you come find us later. Sun's going down soon and the cold's coming. I'll cook us up some nice soup and bread for dinner."

Kaidan smiles as Shepard takes Miles' hand and waves bye.

"We'll come back soon," Kaidan calls and sinks down beside Shepard. His parents wander down the rows of flowers, holding hands.

"Hey, Casimir?" Shepard calls smirking. "Your ass looks fat from this angle."

"Your mouth looks fat from any angle," his dad calls back and Shepard breaks into peals of laughter.

"You're getting old, Cas. That one didn't even sting."

"Casimir," Ami scolds. "I don't know why you insist on persisting with this childish rivalry."

"Keeps me young, Ami. Keeps me young."

"Yeah, pity it doesn't keep your dick young. Poor Ami wouldn't have to step to the pool boy," Shepard mutters and Kaidan laughs, reaching over and smothering her mouth with his hand.

"Shepard, our son is going to grow up a little deviant," he scolds her, his eyes crinkling through his smile.

"Puh- _lease_ , with you as his daddy, it's  _guaranteed_ ," she laughs as Miles reaches up to Kaidan and pulls on his shirt.

"OK, Ok," she says, calming and pulling the zooming  _Normandy_  closer to her. Kaidan wraps around her and the baby, cradling them to him and she begins speaking softly, the setting sun setting her hair ablaze in chocolate browns and streaks of dark night.

"Once, there was a ship," she says to Miles as he watches the model hover. "It was the best ship in the galaxy and where a girl from Earth found hope and home. Where she found another boy from Earth who showed her so many things and together they had a little boy. He was born in London, on a rainy day and the girl was never as happy as when she first held him. He was so cute the girl could just eat him!"

Shepard grabs his foot and pretends at gnawing on it with gratuitous noises. He squeals and squirms, shrieking with laughter, reaching for his dad to save him.

"Shep!" Kaidan chides. "Don't you know we aren't allowed to eat Miles?! You're a bad person. Daddy will save him."

He grabs the baby around the shoulder and hauls him away from her, Miles burying his face in his neck, tears of laughter streaming down him face.

"Psh psh," says Shepard, rolling over and crawling onto Kaidan's lap, quieting down. He wraps his arms around them as she turns over so the three of them lay in the field, the navy blue sky above them and the world at their feet.

Shepard clears her throat and continues, her expression more serious.

Kaidan strokes her hair as Miles watches her raptly, his blue eyes shining, mesmerized with her voice and the power of her biotics. Mommy always made things float for him.

"But before they had their little boy, the girl was very sad because a friend... a friend died so she and her baby could live. But she never forgot him and she never took a single second of the time she was given for granted. The ship didn't last forever. Most things don't, Miles, and it's a lesson I hope you never have to learn, but the boy she fell in love with never left her, maybe even when he should have, and together they were happy."

* * *

"Happy birthday, dear Miles! Happy birthday to you!" Ami sings, placing a little party hat on the toddler currently trying to cram a whole birthday cake meant for six adults in his mouth.

"Ah, ah, you little piggy," Shepard chides, laughing as she takes a fistful of cake from him. "I swear," she says, turning to Casimir and elbowing him in the stomach. "I don't know where he gets it from."

"Please, Shepard," Casimir barks. "I've seen you eat."

"Hey, hey, hey, you two," Kaidan calls, deactivating the camera on his omni-tool. "Do we have to have a time out?"

He swoops down and plucks Miles from his high chair, pressing a kiss to his pudgy cheek. "What do you think, buddy? Time out for Mommy and Grandpa?"

"Ma!" he chirps, nodding enthusiastically.

"See, Shepard?" Kaidan smirks. "Our little man says you have been very naughty."

An impish grin breaks across her face. " _Is. That. Right_?" She comes up beside him and kisses Miles' nose, while patting Kaidan firmly on the backside. "Well, maybe you'll have to spank me later."

"Oh dear lord, woman," Casimir groans. "Keep it PG-13 for us old folks and babies, alright?"

"Casimir," Shepard calls sweetly. "It's OK, maybe Ami can spank you too?"

"Oh Shepard," Ami laughs. "Stop teasing him. You'll give him all sorts of ideas."

"Yeah," Kaidan agrees, jiggling Miles. "Give my old man a break. He's only human after all."

"Mmmm," she hums, settling onto the couch while Casmir and Ami start to clean up the disarray in the living room. Kaidan and Shepard offer to help but his parents wave them off, insisting while they're on leave at the orchard with their baby that they take as much family time as possible. "I'll miss you while I'm gone."

Kaidan sits beside her, holding his growing baby boy in his lap, letting him smear cake all over his shirt.

"I'll miss you, too," he murmurs. "But you've been dying to get back into the swing of field work since Miles was born and the Horizon posting is the perfect opportunity while I have some time off to play Mr. Mom."

"I know," she says, making funny faces at Miles so he giggles. "I just… well, you two boys are my whole life. It'll be strange not having you around. Though, I am glad that your promotion leaves us with little more wriggle room career wise. I guess… If I find it too hard to be away from him-"

"You have a choice, Shepard," he says gently. "We've talked about this. If Horizon doesn't work out, I'm happy to have you just do the mom thing and take the early retirement. But if it does work out, and you feel that old thrill of field work and command, then I'm also happy to retire and stay with him instead."

She beams at him. "Have I told you lately how much I love you, Kaidan Alenko?"

He grins. "I could stand to hear it some more."

She kisses him, only pulling away when Miles grizzles at her for her lack of attention.

"And you...  _my_  Miles Alenko! Have I told you how much I love you?" she laughs, covering his face in kisses.

It's this moment he remembers a week later when news reaches Earth of the Collector attack on Horizon and the fact that his wife was stolen from him, along with almost all the colony, save a dozen individual she saved with a biotic barrier. They all talk about her heroism, how she fought to the last moments, trying to save as many as she could before one of the seeker swarms slipped past her guard and stung her in the neck.

The creatures that chased her to Earth, that killed Joker, that almost killed her and her unborn child, finally get what they want, two years late.

Miles doesn't understand. He cries through the night for his mother. Kaidan can't understand, that old familiar hole in his chest and the little black raincloud pouring on him like that day he found his home again by the Thames.

* * *

"Ma," Miles calls plaintively, the only word he knows save for 'Da'.

"It's OK, buddy," Kaidan soothes, rubbing his back, but he knows it's not the same.

It's 3am. Miles hasn't slept all night for crying. Shepard's been gone for three weeks and every night it's the same.

Kaidan longs for the bottle of whiskey, hidden in the back of the cabinet, but he doesn't even have the freedom of oblivion to chase. Not when his son needs him.

"Ma…" Miles calls again, looking to the door over Kaidan's shoulder as if Shepard will just appear, with her soft voice, soft hands, to soothe him into sleep with a magic flying  _Normandy_  again.

Tears fill Kaidan's eyes.

"I know, buddy. I know. This can't go on like this." He closes his eyes, his face buried in the mop of his baby's hair, inhaling the sweet shampoo that still reminds him of Shepard and how she always made sure Miles' uncontrollable hair was washed and brushed to perfection.

_"I love your hair," she would croon. "Just like your dad's."_

Kaidan makes a choice.

"I'm gonna do something. I promised to protect you both, so I will."

* * *

An Alliance man perches at a seedy bar, a picture of a smiling woman cradling a little boy hidden in his wallet. He smokes a cigarette and drinks whiskey for comfort, at his limit and exhausted from yelling at an organization he used to trust. They won't do anything about the colonies disappearing. They won't look into his wife's abduction.

He's going to do something. He can't go home to his little boy every day, take him from his grandmother's arms and explain to him again that his mommy won't be coming home.

He made a promise. He's never leaving her behind. He can't.

 _Here comes the bad punch line,_  he thinks. _A Cerberus woman walks into a bar to meet the Alliance man and says-_

"Kaidan Alenko?" the dark-haired woman purrs.

"Yes," he rasps, the unfamiliar beard on his cheek pulling roughly.

"Miranda Lawson. You recently received our message. I'm your contact."

He turns and shakes her hand, vaguely noting she's rather pretty in an abstract way. Nothing compared to the woman who stares out at him from his son's face, but he supposes some men fall for her seeming perfection.

"I heard you were recently widowed and took leave from the Alliance," she says, cold blue eyes gleaming as she settles into the seat next to him.

"Not widowed," he snaps instantly. "She's not dead. I took leave to care for my son. He doesn't understand why his mom isn't home yet. I'm going to get her back for him, no matter if the Alliance declares her KIA or not. I know in my heart she's still alive, waiting for me. Can Cerberus help me? You said what happened two years ago was a rogue cell. Is that the truth?"

Miranda smiles. "It is. I think Cerberus and you could have a very mutually beneficial relationship. We need a Commander, a leader. I promise you, we will get your wife back. She's the hope for humanity and Cerberus will  _not_  let her fall."

Kaidan nods and she smiles wider.

"Now, I have some dossiers for you to look at…"

_Kaidan unlocks the door and walks through._

"Some lost things can be found again."


End file.
